2003-06-16, 3:11 p.m.
Wow, I'm so glad to be here. Maybe I should join up for $2.50 a month. Hah.
Why am I in such a blah mood? Am I nursing a grudge? See, here's what happened. Yesterday was Father's Day. We went to church from 10 to 11, and then went home. But first, we stopped at my beloved DW's office to pick up plumbers tape for that pesky kitchen sink faucet. So we get home, and as I'm starting to go into "cook for 10 people for Father's Day including husband's father" mode, Dish Washer says something that makes a lot of sense like "Figure out how much water you need for the next few minutes, and I'll replace that faucet now."
Well, you know how a situation is confusing and that you follow a certain traceable train of thought as what is going on actually sinks in. I very quickly moved from confusion to realization as I figured out that he meant to turn off the water and replace the faucet one hour before buttloads of company were due to show up for a very large meal. The emotions I experienced as I reached realization must have played across my face. Yes, it's true.
I made "the look". dunt dun DUHHHHHHN
All I did was feel a horrible sinking feeling as I begged him "Please don't do that before lunch! Please wait until afterward!"
This started a big fucking fight, not so much that I asked him to wait, but as the meaning of his weird statement sunk in and I panicked, I made "the look". I have no idea what it looks like, and I have no idea that I'm making it when I do. I've never been able to do "the look" in the mirror, and I've never been able to summon it voluntarily. Apparently there is frinkling of the brow involved.
All I know is that "the look" is the most horrendously horrible offensive thing I can do to DW. He started in on it, and I tried to explain that all I was feeling was fear that the water was going to be off while I was trying to fix a giant dinner, and that something would go wrong and we'd end up with no water whatsoever for hours and hours. He agreed with this assessment and offered to wait, but was so offended by "the look" that it led to bad feelings for a few minutes. So being who and what I am, I found him outside later pulling weeds, and hugged and kissed him and said I'm sorry. He said "I'm sorry, too, but..." and I cut him off with "Shhhh" and just said "I'm sorry" again. I didn't want him to fuck up my perfectly good apology (I know) by explaining to me why I'm a horrible person.
So I guess that's why I'm in a semi-yucky mood. I feel very flat, deflated. I don't feel any kind of residual anger or hurt over "the incident". I think maybe it's tiring to be deliriously in love and happy all the time (except at work), and my poor brain was just looking for an excuse to trigger a down week.
I'm going to have to drink some Tension Tamer tea tonight. I feel like I have a lot of potential to be snippy and bitchy and short-tempered and mean.
But that will be after the LG's baseball team party. I'm not even looking forward to that. I have to pick up 2 cookie cakes and 40 hot dog buns on our way up there. Whee. Maybe they'll have beer. Maybe DW will show up and keep me company. I always feel like such a wallflower at these functions. Like if I don't have a husband or a best friend there, I don't belong and I'm getting on every one else's nerves.
I have gotten so very little done at work today and I don't even fucking care. Just a bit of crisis management - transferred some funds so our paychecks wouldn't bounce. Well, they already had but the bank is nice enough to call me and let me know when I'm out of money. Otherwise, I'd have some really happy employees with worthless paychecks. Maybe they'd all quit and I could stop paying them.
Maybe I should fire them all, outsource the services, let the properties pay for it all like they do for plumbing, and I can sit here all by myself, planning special events, managing assets, and being happy doing admin and number crunching. I could just get monthly service reports and never really worry about anything. That is so incredibly tempting, I can't even tell you. I need to nip this train of thought in the bud, because I'm thisclose to picking up the phone and telling them all they are outta here on June 30th.
I could even afford to give myself a raise AND afford that new laptop. It would be so nice not to be paying out $10k in payroll every month, and not losing money on these stupid contracts.
Hmmmm...maybe I could just structure the contracts so that they are not money losers? But I still have to find a way to cover my salary and my 2 full-timers. Shit. There's no way. Grantwriting is my only hope.
I think I'll go pick up the love of my life (my Lil Guy), go get cookie cakes and hot dog buns, and attend a party which, last year was a blast, and this year seems like it might be again. I'll drink a few beers, talk to Kim, have some fun, and go home and drink some tea. Yeah.
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