The Way Things Are



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I heart Zippy
2005-03-10, 8:35 a.m.

LAWSY! Where to start? There are several developments, among which include my induction into the Worst Mother of 2005 Hall of Fame.

OK, we’ll start there since I have so thoroughly whetted your appetite for my maternal failings. Remember the other day when Lil Guy called me and was “sick” and needed to go home? And I wondered what horror he was trying to avoid at school that day? We found out yesterday what it was. He was trying to avoid a detention.

But this was not just any detention. This was the “one more” detention, the receipt of which results in the SALE OF HIS ELECTRIC SCOOTER. The scooter I ran myself ragged trying to procure before Christmas. The scooter the kid wanted and needed and cried for. I bonded with that scooter, goddammit. I bonded with the scooter, the sales people at Pep Boys, and the other customer in the store buying scooters for his two daughters at the same time. There were three scooters left: two were identical, one was a little bit different in color (dark royal blue) and style (a curvier bar somewhere on the handlebar). The Dad of Two Daughters and I struck a kind of deal. Since he was buying for his two daughters, his two scooters needed to be identical or sibling strife would happen and all hell would break loose at his house. So I took the scooter that was a little unique.

So holy hell, LG has been the King of Detentions at school this year. Five of them so far. I never got ONE detention in all my school years because I KNEW that I would get caught if I did anything stupid, so I developed super-hero stealth powers. But anyway, last detention, a kid got hurt at the hands of my stupid, stupid, eeediot boy. In gym class. Stupid stupid stupid. This was right after school started back up after Christmas, and I grounded him from his beloved scooter for one month. And I told that one more detention would result in the sale of the scooter. I wasn’t going to give a freaking $200 electric scooter to an ingrate child who can’t stay out of trouble at school. By the way, he makes straight As for the most part. This is a kid who can be on the gold honor roll for his academic grades, and simultaneously be failing conduct.

Yep, one more detention happened on Monday. It was to be served, oh, can you guess? Tuesday. I have a stronger than strong suspicion that this is the reason his head and stomach were hurting and he needed to go home. Ya think? Hence the look of relief that Lisa witnessed when she saw him in the clinic.

The detention was served yesterday, which is the first time that I learned of it. Because when a detention is doled out, a note goes home that doesn’t need to be signed. So any smart kid will hide that note and delay the inevitable. But once a detention is served, a note goes home that requires a signature. This is how I have learned of several detentions – once they are done, I gotta sign that note, and Lil Guy can’t avoid it anymore.

Here’s where the Worst Mother of 2005 comes in. I CAN’T SELL THE FUCKING SCOOTER. I can’t do it. Not so much because I regret meting out such harsh punishment, although that is half of it. But because I have bonded with the scooter – shall we call him Zippy henceforth? – see? I’ve name him – oh, great, I’ve also assigned him a gender – and I feel that I own Zippy as much as Lil Guy does. I haven’t talked to LG about this yet. For all he knows, the Sell Zippy Plan is progressing unimpeded. But I’m not going to do it. I am backing off of a threat. I am not following through. I am teaching him that my threats are meaningless, toothless. I am the Worst Mother of 2005. Lil Guy will be grounded from Zippy through the end of school, which is another 2 ½ months away, and Zippy will be stored away from the house where nobody can see him, and love him, and pet him, and charge his battery. Zippy will be lonesome and scared, but Zippy will come back to the house at the end of May. UNLESS…unless LG gets yet another detention, which will add another month to Zippy’s exile. The kid may actually never see Zippy again, given his talent for detentions. But I can’t sell Zippy, and that’s all I have to say about that.

The only other thing I have going on today is a haircut. Actually, a HAIRScut, as I am getting them all cut, not just one.

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