The Way Things Are



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SOME REALLY DISTURBING THINGS
2005-11-21, 2:18 p.m.

SOME REALLY DISTURBING THINGS MY SON HAS SAID TO ME

c. last week at the dining room table

Me (kissing his head as I walk by while he eats breakfast): Son, did you use shampoo?

LG: UhÖ

Me: Itís a yes or no question. Did you use shampoo. On your hair. This morning. In the shower?

LG: No.

Me: Good God, no wonder your head stinks. If you arenít going to use shampoo, at least just use some soap on your head. Your hair STINKS.

LG: ÖÖ

Me: You didnít use soap, either, did you?

LG: Sometimes I do.

Me: You are gross. No wonder you have foot rot. Itís not a bacteria or fungus or allergies Ė itís FILTH. I am not going to waste my money taking you to the dermatologist to get your stupid foot rash diagnosed when the doctor is just going to diagnose that you are DIRTY.

LG: Sometimes I use soap.

Me: You must use soap directly on all parts of your body, and shampoo on your hair, every single time you take a shower. Whenís the last time you brushed your teeth?

LG: ÖÖ

Me (shrieking a little bit): What do you do up there in your bathroom when I tell you to take a shower? What are you doing when I tell you to brush your teeth?

LG: Well, I had to find my shoes.

Me: *making a startled face that says where the hell did that come from*

At what age do the boys finally decide to start practicing a little hygiene? And do they ever start answering the question that you ask them? I feel sometimes like we are having two different conversations, and he is very pointedly not participating in the one about hygiene.

In other completely different news:

I hung some pictures yesterday. I know, we havenít been in the new house the requisite 2 years, but (1) there were pictures sitting patiently against the walls, and the dog was starting to molest them and (2) itís an awfully echoey house, and I was hoping some stuff on the walls (besides paint and dust) would help muffle some of the reverb. And oh, OK, (3) having pictures up on the walls changes the feel of a place from temporary to permanent. Awwwww. I guess I'll stay put.

So I did it, and Iím glad I did it. Iíd do it again and I probably will.

And in some other completely different news, we recently got the availability of health insurance at work, and I enrolled for that like a sonofabitch this morning. Now I am practically guaranteed to be healthy for the rest of my years, since Iím paying for the possibility of getting sick. You dig? Did I just jack up my karma or what?

Welp, having consumed my sandwich at 10:30 this morning, itís time for me to take some time off from this grueling task of blathering online, and get to the real reason lunch is even worth the trouble: homemade broccoli soup. Good for the colon AND the soul.

Chow! Ciao!

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