The Way Things Are



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There is a phenomenon happening
2005-11-29, 4:16 p.m.

There is a phenomenon happening at our doorstep that has me concerned. It’s the annual thinning of the herd of deer that happens out in the country this time of year, each year. Dead deer on the side of the road, everywhere you look.

It’s sad – very sad. I can’t look at them. Whether it’s a doe or a buck, I worry about whether I’ve seen this particular deer before, grazing too close to the side of the road, jumping the fence, eating the grass in my front yard. Honestly, I have to avert my eyes because whatever state they are in, because it makes me very sad.

I know that the deer herd has to be thinned, but I would rather see them thinned via natural means than via car. Brought down by predators, felled by sickness or hunger…these are natural things that keep the deer population healthy. But I cannot accept the fact that the main thinner of the herd is the automobile, and that the reason they are taking to the streets is because WE have displaced them from their habitats. Except for me. I’m exempt.

It’s not natural for the auto to be the deer’s primary predator, and it makes me very angry at the arrogant assholes who fly through the countryside at night, thinking nothing of hitting a deer other than what it’s going to cost to repair the body damage on their car.

The deer do share a bit of the responsibility here. They are incredibly stupid. Whenever I’m driving in the country at night, I try not to go faster than 45, and I try to have my brights on. That way, I can see them standing on the side of the road, and I can stop in time to miss them when they decide at the last minute that they really need to cross the road.

However, the deer are supposed to be stupid. That’s how God made ‘em. They don’t have the ability to smarten up and learn to avoid the road and avoid the cars. In fact, wouldn’t it be scary if they did?

Just think. What if the thinning of the herd led to the decimation of the deer stupid enough to walk out in the road in front of cars? And what if the remainder of the herd was a race of Smart Deer? We would all, as humans, be in danger of losing our lives. The Smart Deer would rise up and take over. We’d wake up in the middle of the night with a deer standing over us, holding a knife in its evil cloven hoof.

So the annual Great Deer Kill makes me sad for the deer who lose their lives, and it makes me a little scared about the deer that are left behind. Are they smarter than your average deer?

If only the deer were smart enough to learn to use the cow tunnels. But there we’d be, again with the Smart Deer.

I may sound like I am making light of something that is really sad, and if you could see me sitting here, you would know that I am not. In fact, here I am now:


This is my sad face.

What I’m doing is thinking too much. Yep, I spend WAY too much time alone in the car, with not enough to occupy these rogue ADD-riddled brain cells. For the record, DW does not share my concerns. Oh sure, he hates to see a dead deer on the side of the road, but he does not worry about the smart ones that are left behind.

MORE ABOUT THE MANNEQUIN

I had a terrible idea (see above re: too much time alone thinking). Part of my in-laws’ annual Christmas yard display includes those light-up reindeer that appear to be grazing in the front yard. I am very tempted to stage a tragic incident involving a race of vindictive Smart Reindeer and the mannequin. And take pictures of it for the newspaper. That’s all I can say about it right now. Shhhhhhhhh…

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