Couples� Free Skate
2006-02-14, 3:14 p.m.

Couples� Free Skate, with thought balloons translated by Laura:

Close-up on Russian Male Skater:
(�I hate this fucking shirt. It has wings. Why do I have to look gay? I�m not gay!�)

Close-up on Russian Female Skater:
(�I hate that dick. Why is he so gay? God! Must.Keep.Smiling. Oh, no. It�s starting. I can�t wait to finish this and then I am OUT OF HERE and going to the bar.)

Their routine begins. The couple begins to swirl gracefully through the ice, and inexplicably, the girl-skater leans down and does the �Lame Duck� pose, one ankle held in her hands.

Russian Male Skater:
(�What the hell is she doing? We didn�t do that in practice. She ad libs this shit, and it�s embarrassing. Now I have to pick her up and spin her. Jeez, she�s packed on a few, hasn�t she? Few too many rounds at the bar.�)

Russian Female Skater:
(�Weakling! Pussy! Higher! Faster! THROW ME. NOT THAT HARD!)

Russian Male Skater:
(�I haven�t seen that many legs go in that many directions since living in the dorm in college. I hope the networks blurred out that shot of her crotch. Her leotard was askew. I should know.�)

Russian Female Skater:
(�I hate him. As soon as we finish here, I am retiring.�)

Cut to Chinese skaters waiting on sidelines:

Male Chinese Skater:
(�Die, bitches.�)

Female Chinese Skater:
(�We are so screwed.�)

Back to the antics on the ice:

Russian Male Skater:
(�We agreed on 3 spins. Why did she only do 2? We�re on fire, baby! Where was the third spin?�)

Russian Female Skater:
(�It was NOT COOL to turn me upside down on that one � my face is not supposed to be in your crotch.�)

Russian Male Skater:
(�What would happen if I threw her ass up into the stands right now? Just toss her up there? Would the crowds tear her to pieces? I�d like to find out. I could be free.�)

Russian Female Skater:
(�Whatever we do, the Chinese cannot win the bronze. DIE BITCHES!�)

Russian Male Skater, sighing:
(�Freeeee��)

Cut to Chinese skaters waiting on sidelines:

Chinese Male Skater:
(�By my calculations, we must score 125.7, or we will be marched out back and executed at dawn.�)

Chinese Female Skater:
(�I�m too young to die. Can I defect to Italy? Where�s the nearest embassy? Hmmm. I like her outfit. Very festive and floaty. I love this punk rock haircut they gave me downtown. I�m fierce! Italy rocks!�) (does mental rock-n-roll devil hands)

Cut to Chinese skating coach:
(�I will kill them with my bare hands if they lose to the Russian whore dogs.�)

Pan to second Russian skating couple waiting on sidelines:

Russian Female Skater II:
(�What is that smell? Do I smell beets? Whore! She is smear of cabbage on my shoe. Why did American coach ask me to say �Moose and Squirrel�? I have been disgraced.�)

Male Russian Skater II:
(�I can take these Chinese pussies. They weigh about a buck fiddy together. Now, if I take a lead pipe��)

The Russians on the ice take a break on the ice to shake their asses and perform expressive jazz hands.

Cut to Chinese skating coach:
(�Complete choreographic cop-out. I hope everyone saw that. They are a disgrace to the dignified and revered sport of ice dancing.�)

Voice-over of female ice dancing announcer:
�Complete choreographic cop-out! I hope they lose! Not a good start! Not a good way to end! The judges see all! The Russians do not have a strong skating program! She has put on weight! He freaked out at the World Finals and dropped her on her head! Let�s see if he can overcome his nerves and perform! Announcers jinx! What�s an announcer�s jinx?�

Voice-over of male ice dancing announcer:
�Just calm down now. Just because you�re dried up and withered and can�t do it anymore, doesn�t mean you get to rag on these crazy kids. Remember your nipple slip of �76? The original wardrobe malfunction! Ha ha haaaa!�

As a breast pops out on the ice, the judges stand in unison and offer up straight 10s. And we mean that in the dirty way.

Russian Female Skater I:
(�Ha. I planned that. When in doubt, show �em your tits.�)

Russian Male Skater I:
(�SUCK OUR DICK, CHINA!�)