That slippery slope of slackitude.
2006-06-29, 7:45 p.m.

Hey, sorry � I�m starting to slide down that slippery slope of slackitude. But my attorney/friend�s mother died, and I had to drive up to the far side of Austin (Pflueger-hell) for the funeral today. Well, didn�t HAVE to � chose to. You know, when you�re having a funeral, it�s kind of nice for your people to show up. So I try to show up to all of my peoples� peoples� funerals.

It occurs to me that most of the funerals I have attended in the past few years have been my friends� parents�.

I think I need a bigger brain. The one I have now is focused on all the shit on my desk, and it doesn�t seem to have room to talk or think about anything else. I hardly know how I got here � that�s how unaware I am of the things around me except this:

Yipes.

It�s kind of funny. My attorney�s wife � let�s call her, um, Sara � Sara is a worky-friend. We�re all of us in real estate together. I mean, when we�re in the same place at the same time, we�re friends, and sometimes we socialize together, like in work-oriented groups, but I never call her up and say �Hey, Sara. Wanna go get a beer?� which I probably should, but you know how I am, and I reckon you�re the same way because you�re here with your imaginary friend in the shiny box, rather than out having a beer with your real friends.

So anyway, it�s kind of funny. I really, really like her, but I always look at her as being kind of out of my league, friend-wise, because she�s all professionally highly successful, and she�s all put together and everything. And I feel like her husband, my work attorney (we�re not talking about KB here, my personal child support attorney - this is my work attorney) sees me at some of my worst professional moments, i.e. when I�m being sued, being cross-examined, in a panic, etc. So I feel kind of like she must KNOW what a mess I am, or what a mess I feel like I am.

So here�s the funny part. At her mother-in-law�s funeral today, she got up and talked about this woman, and even though I had never met her mother-in-law, I was tearing up and trying not to cry. She had the whole room in tears with her heartfelt words of love about this woman. But I didn�t see a whole lot of people there who I would suspect are Sara�s own personal friends. I saw a lot of attorneys I recognized, as well as a lot of guys from my line of work � you know, a lot of her husband�s friends and colleagues, including me, but I wondered, where are Sara�s friends? Wouldn�t you show up at your friend�s husband�s mother�s funeral? I would.

There was a little receiving line thing at the end, and I considered sneaking out the back, partly because I�m shy and tend to stick my foot in my mouth at funerals because WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY? I tend to blather�but where was I? Oh. Partly because I�m shy, and partly because I realize at a funeral that I�m kind of an ancillary person � I�m just there to let my friends know that I�m there, and I feel it�s really not my place to be hogging the receiving line, and demanding attention and recognition. This is Family and Close Friends Time, not Laura Time. Or Hammer Time.

So I got over myself, and went through the little receiving line, and Sara GRABBED me in a hug, weeping onto my shoulder, telling me how glad she was I was there, how beautiful I looked (the image of me vomiting chili cheese fries over the side of a boat two years ago on a deep sea fishing trip is burned into her retinas, so any little improvement in my appearance is notable to her), and just kind of let go on me.

I was shocked, but in a good way. It certainly made me glad that I went. I didn�t really see any other women around our age. It occurs to me that she was surrounded by her husband�s stodgy lawyer friends and apartment people, and hell, maybe a goofy, frumpy woman � one of her actual people � was a sight for sore eyes.

HA. I hope they find this where I called them all stodgy. YOU�RE STODGY � ALL OF Y�ALL LAWYERS!

So I�m not patting myself on the back or anything, but if you ever are tempted to attend one of your peoples� peoples� funerals, do it. Go. You just never know. They might be really glad you showed up.

Here�s an example of my blathering at a funeral. Here we are, at the front door, as I enter and hug my attorney/friend, who is surprised to see me, which makes me feel very self-conscious.

My Attorney/Friend: Mrs. Flea! Bless your heart! I�m so glad you came. I can�t believe you drove all the way up here. You didn�t have to do that!�
Me: Um, well. But I did. I mean, I wanted�of course I came. It�s my pleasure. Er. Dude, it�s what folks do! You just, uh��
My Attorney/Friend, clearly giving me up as a lost cause: Well, thanks!

I�m Chris Farley, and I�m all �GOD! I�m such an IDIOT! I suck.�