The Way Things Are



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Completely shallow, shopping at Target.
2006-07-11, 3:34 p.m.

Sometimes, Iím sitting here with a whole story to tell, but I donít know where to start. I think Iíll start with the front porch of our old house back in Dallas.

It was made of concrete, and the finish was what is known in the concrete finishing biddens as ďExtra Slippery Butt BusterĒ. True to its name, that extra slippery, butt-busting finish on our concrete front porch jumped up and bit my ass one rainy day, when I ran up the front sidewalk, jumped all three steps, landed on the front porch, and promptly ATE IT right there, landing square on my ass.

Ever since then, I have had a very pointy buttbone, prone to hurting and feeling like itís going to poke through my buttskin. Like, sitting on the floor in a circle during Sunday school or sharing time or whatever? Agony. My buttbone poinks right through my buttskin.

Long periods of time sitting in a hard chair? Iíll roll off to one side to allow one ample buttcheek to absorb the pressure. Sitting square on my butt on a hard surface is right out.

This past weekend found me sitting for long periods of time in hard pool-side chairs. Yesterday, I noticed what we will call, for lack of a better phrase, the beginnings of a butthurt episode.

Today? Sheer agony to be sitting. I know I joke sometimes about my butt hurting, but this time, itís no joke. I havenít looked, but I swear if you cared enough to look, you would see buttbone protruding from my buttskin. What aggravates a sore buttbone? Thong panties, of course.

All of this is a long, roundabout way of telling my sister, EB, that when you called me this afternoon, and I was leaving the Target parking lot? I had a 3-pack of honest-to-God full coverage panties in my shopping bag. I changed underwear in the bathroom at work when I got back, and Iím now wearing a pair of honest-to-God full coverage panties under a pair of jeans. THE SHAME. What is this, 1995?

At least sitting still doesnít hurt, because for me, hurty=cranky, and nobody around here is happy when Iím cranky.

Oh. While I was at Target, I also bought the following (you didnít think I could escape Targetís gravitational pull with only a 3-pack of panties?):

--A short-sleeve white button-down shirt. I was already wearing one, but it was too short with these jeans, and it kept riding up, allowing my belly roll to hang out. So while I was in the bathroom changing into panties, I put on a new white shirt, too. This one covers my gut.

--New pajamas. Nothing special: a white t-shirt and some cotton boxers.

--A new green shirt, because why not? Itís cute. I canít find it at Target.com because apparently, Target is just trying to get rid of them and wonít show them on the website. I mean! Really. This is SO June of 2006. Last monthís green shirt.

--A sympathy card for our friend, whose birthday is today. I like getting people inappropriate cards for all occasions. When I married Mr. Surly, my brother Andy gave me a sympathy card with a $50 bill in it, signed simply, ďIím sorry, AndyĒ. And when I had my baby shower for Lil Guy, Andy gave me a sorry-for-your-accident card. I think it contained the word ďoopsĒ.

Anyway, I signed the sympathy card ďThinking of you on your whichever-this-one-is birthday. Youíre only as old as you look feel.Ē

I feel I am carrying on a fine family tradition. Once, I got one of Mr. Surlyís co-workers a ďcongratulations on your new jobĒ card for a baby shower, and she didnít get it. WE HATE HER.

--Oh yeah! A belt, because I was not at all happy with my jeansí tendency to kind of roll down past where I think the waistband should be. Fancy, huh?

Thatís where we are today at Laura Flea. Completely shallow, shopping at Target during our lunch break to correct the wardrobe malfunctions borne of a hurried morning gettiní-ready.

****

Lisa at Niihaus urged us all to go here and find out what celebrity we most resemble. Unlike Lisa, I did not spend very many moments at all selecting a photo; rather, I chose a photo based on its title: Bite Me.

This was a very good choice, because now, the My Heritage folks think I look like this guy.

I donít know who he is, but isnít he HOT? Especially if he were a middle-aged woman, wouldnít he be HOT? He could be my particularly HOT twin brother.

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