Completely shallow, shopping at Target.
2006-07-11, 3:34 p.m.

Sometimes, I�m sitting here with a whole story to tell, but I don�t know where to start. I think I�ll start with the front porch of our old house back in Dallas.

It was made of concrete, and the finish was what is known in the concrete finishing biddens as �Extra Slippery Butt Buster�. True to its name, that extra slippery, butt-busting finish on our concrete front porch jumped up and bit my ass one rainy day, when I ran up the front sidewalk, jumped all three steps, landed on the front porch, and promptly ATE IT right there, landing square on my ass.

Ever since then, I have had a very pointy buttbone, prone to hurting and feeling like it�s going to poke through my buttskin. Like, sitting on the floor in a circle during Sunday school or sharing time or whatever? Agony. My buttbone poinks right through my buttskin.

Long periods of time sitting in a hard chair? I�ll roll off to one side to allow one ample buttcheek to absorb the pressure. Sitting square on my butt on a hard surface is right out.

This past weekend found me sitting for long periods of time in hard pool-side chairs. Yesterday, I noticed what we will call, for lack of a better phrase, the beginnings of a butthurt episode.

Today? Sheer agony to be sitting. I know I joke sometimes about my butt hurting, but this time, it�s no joke. I haven�t looked, but I swear if you cared enough to look, you would see buttbone protruding from my buttskin. What aggravates a sore buttbone? Thong panties, of course.

All of this is a long, roundabout way of telling my sister, EB, that when you called me this afternoon, and I was leaving the Target parking lot? I had a 3-pack of honest-to-God full coverage panties in my shopping bag. I changed underwear in the bathroom at work when I got back, and I�m now wearing a pair of honest-to-God full coverage panties under a pair of jeans. THE SHAME. What is this, 1995?

At least sitting still doesn�t hurt, because for me, hurty=cranky, and nobody around here is happy when I�m cranky.

Oh. While I was at Target, I also bought the following (you didn�t think I could escape Target�s gravitational pull with only a 3-pack of panties?):

--A short-sleeve white button-down shirt. I was already wearing one, but it was too short with these jeans, and it kept riding up, allowing my belly roll to hang out. So while I was in the bathroom changing into panties, I put on a new white shirt, too. This one covers my gut.

--New pajamas. Nothing special: a white t-shirt and some cotton boxers.

--A new green shirt, because why not? It�s cute. I can�t find it at Target.com because apparently, Target is just trying to get rid of them and won�t show them on the website. I mean! Really. This is SO June of 2006. Last month�s green shirt.

--A sympathy card for our friend, whose birthday is today. I like getting people inappropriate cards for all occasions. When I married Mr. Surly, my brother Andy gave me a sympathy card with a $50 bill in it, signed simply, �I�m sorry, Andy�. And when I had my baby shower for Lil Guy, Andy gave me a sorry-for-your-accident card. I think it contained the word �oops�.

Anyway, I signed the sympathy card �Thinking of you on your whichever-this-one-is birthday. You�re only as old as you look feel.�

I feel I am carrying on a fine family tradition. Once, I got one of Mr. Surly�s co-workers a �congratulations on your new job� card for a baby shower, and she didn�t get it. WE HATE HER.

--Oh yeah! A belt, because I was not at all happy with my jeans� tendency to kind of roll down past where I think the waistband should be. Fancy, huh?

That�s where we are today at Laura Flea. Completely shallow, shopping at Target during our lunch break to correct the wardrobe malfunctions borne of a hurried morning gettin�-ready.

Lisa at Niihaus urged us all to go here and find out what celebrity we most resemble. Unlike Lisa, I did not spend very many moments at all selecting a photo; rather, I chose a photo based on its title: Bite Me.

This was a very good choice, because now, the My Heritage folks think I look like this guy.

I don�t know who he is, but isn�t he HOT? Especially if he were a middle-aged woman, wouldn�t he be HOT? He could be my particularly HOT twin brother.