The Way Things Are






Fred's memorial service is Friday
2005-03-30, 2:26 p.m.

Me: Fredís memorial service is Friday afternoon, and my job is to take Niece and Nephew out somewhere fun and keep them happy and entertained. You know. A funeral is not a good place for little kids.

Lil Guy: Snake Farm! Snake Farm!

Me: No, I donít think that telling your cousinsí grandparents that we are keeping their grandchildren safe and happy and entertained at the Snake Farm is what anybody wants to hear. No Snake Farm.

Lil Guy: I want to take them to the Snake Farm and pet the llamas.

Me: Weíre not taking Niece and Nephew to the Snake Farm. I donít care if it really is a petting zoo with llamas. The name ďSnake FarmĒ will not inspire confidence in Fredís family. We want to make them feel comfortable, not uneasy. Plus, the Snake Farm is trashy.

Lil Guy: I like it.

Me: I know, but this isnít about YOU. Itís about your COUSINS, and their momís FAMILY, and making sure nobody has anything to worry about as far as your cousins are concerned. Next time somebodyís worried about YOU, weíll consider the Snake Farm.

Lil Guy: So where are you taking them?

Me: I was thinking either the zoo, or bowling. Little kids love to bowl. Iíll bring DW with me and weíll just have a nice afternoon of bowling or hanging out at the zoo taking pictures of the animals, petting the baby animals. We can get them their own disposable cameras and they can make little albums of their trip to the zoo.

Lil Guy: Itís good youíre taking DW with you, because if they were just with you, theyíd be really bored.

Me: Well, thanks, son. Thatís really nice.

Lil Guy: Iím dead serious.

So the plan is that DW and I, my mom, and possibly Lil Guy will be taking the kids far, far away from the overwhelmation of grieving mom and dad, weeping relatives, stunned and shocked grandparents, and will take them somewhere fun, safe, friendly and full of good memories. If our weather holds, Iím voting for the zoo. They can take lots of pictures, and we can help them make photo albums or, dare I say it aloud, scrapbooks of their day. Something positive for everybody to look back on. I plan to arrange it so that everybody at the funeral secretly wishes they had come to the zoo/bowling alley/pizza parlor with us. Wouldnít a bowling funeral be kind of fun? I think thatís how I want my funeral to be. I might want it to be in a bowling alley with lots of beer and celebratory dancing when a strike is bowled. Iím going to put that in my living will.

Whatís today, Wednesday? OK, good. I thought the week had gotten away from me there for a minute. Tomorrow, Lil Guy has his first ever golf tournament as a member of the esteemed and not geeky golf team at his school. I have to say that the kid can hit a drive straight down the um, is that the fairway? Iím obviously of no help to him when he goes to practice. In fact, when he whiffs, I laugh. And when the ball went almost completely sideways and nearly hit the man next to us, I had silent fits of laughter completely inappropriate to the driving range. Luckily, that was a near whiff, and didnít have enough force behind it to hurt anybody. I surely hope he is able to maintain some kind of consistency on the course tomorrow and not hurt himself or anybody else.

If I donít get some work done today, my head will explode. Or implode. Either way, it wonít be pretty. Laura Flea OUT.

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