The Way Things Are






Since I killed spamkiller
2005-04-08, 11:12 a.m.

Since I killed spamkiller, my inbox has been a veritable garden of pharmaceutical delights each morning upon login. I had forgotten how many interesting opportunities and products there are out there, ripe for the picking, if I will only click on the link. I thought I would share some of these with you today, because quite frankly? I am more than a little intrigued.

“Go all night!”
Sorry, Sparky, but women don’t like this, at least none of the women I know. We want quality time, not quantity. Do the words “boring” and “chafing” mean anything to you? Heed my advice – do not attempt to go all night. I had a friend in college – Pam – who said that she had a boyfriend who would take for freaking ever to come. She’d be tired, bored, all dried out, ready to slit her own wrists just to make it be over, and he’d be congratulating himself on how much longer he could go. She said she was tempted to pick up a book and read. She hoped he would say “Oh, I’m sorry – are you bored?” so she could reply “No, I’m at a really exciting part right now.” Hear me now: it’s good manners to wait for the woman to finish up, and then once she’s done or close to it, you had best take the wheel and drive it home, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

“Software 3000 tailspin”
I can’t even begin to explain to you how dizzy this makes me. My tail is spinning, my head is spinning…I don’t know which end is up, but that’s the way you like me, isn’t it? My dear old departed grandmother, Frances, the original big-mouth pugilist, had this to tell me when Windows 98 was being released amidst much hoopla and bally-hoo, “Laura, I am so excited, I don’t know what to do! I don’t know whether to open the window, or shut the window…” I’m not sure, but I think she may have been making fun of somebody when she said that.

“Do you have this following sickness and want to get rid it rigth away? Menshealth, painrelief, antianxiety, weightloss, sleepingaids, musclerelaxant,antidepressants,smoking,allergy,heartburn,& skincare”
The only response I have to that is no, no I do not have this following sickness. Mine is more of a sweet love hangover.

“Your partner requires just 13 minutes to prepare for the time of love!”
It’s the time, of the season…mmmm, no. Not so much. In our house, it’s over, done with, and we’re congratulating ourselves after 13 minutes. We – my beloved DishWasher and I – we take 13 seconds to prepare for the time and the season of love. Anything more than that, and it’s just too much work. What’s your name? Who’s your daddy?

“Our output is the recent impotence cure medical product that everybody is speaking about.
You can mix it with spirituous, it work more quickest than the rest well known remedy solution, you will drive with ease and conduct heavy system.
Our manufacture perforates into the circulation of the blood straightforwardly in return for getting through the abdomen in such a way your partner need simply 11 minutes till your partner have a sensation of the result.”
This is like reading a passage that has been Gizoogled, only not as easy to translate. Holla! I feel like I need to dissect this one in order to fully appreciate its intricacies and subtle nuances. First: I haven’t heard anybody speaking about this particular recent impotence cure medical product. I would remember that, I think. Second: can I really mix it with spirituous? Most of the impotence cure medical products I use plainly state “do not mix with spirituous”. Third: More Quickest. Isn't that the accounting software my mother uses? Fourth: the promise of drive with ease and conduct heavy system. Once again, my head and tail are spinning, and I think I might end up on the floor. And I might be a little turned on, but I don't know why. Fifth: perforates into the circulation of the blood straightforwardly. Ouch. Is this kind of like a transrectal ultrasound and a biopsy? Cut it out, dammit. Last: your partner need simply 11 minutes til your partner have a sensation of the result. How many times do I have to tell you, in our house, we only need 10. It takes about 60 seconds for the pre-sensation warm-up, and 9 minutes later, it’s all results, baby. 11 is right out.

“presumption E-Gem side effects are usually mild, narcotic pein m afoul”
I think this might be my favorite one of all. I like the way it starts out strong, after the nonsensical preliminary announcement of presumption. E-Gem side effects are usually mild…then we fall apart a little at the awkward placement of “narcotic”…and then the wheels fall off the wagon with “pein m afoul.” I’d say the narcotic side effects run a little stronger than mild, and progress all the way to afoul. Afetid, even.


This reminds me of an email I sent to Peaches, my co-worker, on her Blackberry while she was in class. I like to send her very important work related messages while she’s busy doing other stuff. Here’s what I asked her recently. “I’m looking for synonyms for “excited” for this proposal. How do you feel about the words “agog”, “ablaze”, and “aroused”? Do those sound professional enough?” How would you feel, gentle reader, about receiving a business proposal in which the service provider is not only excited about this opportunity to work with your fine organization, but is actually aroused? Would you hire us?

Digression over.

“Men report spe`rmpi|ls, tri"pple there volume”
I don’t know what to say about this, except that I see a dearth of clean sheets in the house if we go here. On second thought, let’s not go there. Tis a silly place.

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