The Way Things Are



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I had to show our receptionist
2005-05-31, 4:39 p.m.

I had to show our receptionist my belly today. Because she didn�t believe that I have any excess flab or belly fat. Seeing is believing.

This belly is a mysterious thing. It is all things, all at once. It:

�can appear to be almost flat, depending on my posture.
�is really rather protuberant, with several rolls.
�can appear to be smooth-skinned and firm in the right light.
�is really like a pouch of plastic wrap filled with cottage cheese.
�sags.
�hangs over my jeans.
�looks okay if I raise both arms in the air.
�hops up and sits in my lap every time I sit down.
�popped up and settled in for the duration about 3 years ago.

There�s a layer of muscle, hidden under a thick layer of fat. On top of that, add the sagging skin of a middle-aged woman, and throw in a little delayed childbirth reaction. No stretch marks, but it has the look of someone who has lost a hundred pounds and whose skin will never retract enough to be tight. Not that I have lost 100 pounds. The most I ever lost was 40 pounds after giving birth.

It is the bane of my body. I can deal with break-outty skin, a big ass, saggy bulbous thighs, man-feet, gray hair, bow-legs, a wonky bladder and short arms. But this belly, O it vexes me so!

I guess if this is the bane of my body, it could be a lot worse. You see, I have society�s permission to have a saggy, protuberant belly. I�m 40, goddammit, and if I need to brush the dust and cobwebs off my bikinis and sell them in a garage sale and purchase only Lands End tankinis from here on out, so be it.

I am lucky that I am the 40-something mother of a surly pre-teen, and not still in my 20s or 30s, when folks judge you a little more harshly for being permanently out of shape.

I do believe that if I am going to give in and accept my floppy belly (but still fight it, dammit � I will fight it to the end), I should prolly color my hair. Just to offset the unattractiveness factor.

Well, there goes anything FUN I might have wanted to do tonight. Hair dye. Bah!

In alcohol-related news, I have managed to stay away from the hard stuff today at work, but just barely. I had a half a glass of red, red wine while I cooked dinner last night, but so far today? Nothin�. So far, so good, but as I like to say, day ain�t over yet.

In child-related news, today is the first day of Lil Guy�s summer vacation. Coincidentally, it is the first day of the rest of his life, but isn�t it that same day for all of us?

I digress. This week, the kid is taking a guitar �camp� class thing for an hour a day, and then 4 � hours per day of sports camp. He�ll have BoyScout camp next month, along with a week of golf camp. There�s also a football camp later this month that I�m thinking of getting him into so he can (1) see if he even likes football, and if so (2) get a leg-up on training and skillz for next fall.

He�s going to be quite busy. I�ve told him that I refuse to let him sit on the couch all summer long. Most of my summer memories being a kid are of sitting on the couch all summer watching tv. I don�t want him to have the same experience.

Belly Haiku:

Hangs over my jeans
Hops up and sits in my lap
It vexes me so.

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