The Way Things Are






I had to show our receptionist
2005-05-31, 4:39 p.m.

I had to show our receptionist my belly today. Because she didn’t believe that I have any excess flab or belly fat. Seeing is believing.

This belly is a mysterious thing. It is all things, all at once. It:

…can appear to be almost flat, depending on my posture.
…is really rather protuberant, with several rolls.
…can appear to be smooth-skinned and firm in the right light.
…is really like a pouch of plastic wrap filled with cottage cheese.
…hangs over my jeans.
…looks okay if I raise both arms in the air.
…hops up and sits in my lap every time I sit down.
…popped up and settled in for the duration about 3 years ago.

There’s a layer of muscle, hidden under a thick layer of fat. On top of that, add the sagging skin of a middle-aged woman, and throw in a little delayed childbirth reaction. No stretch marks, but it has the look of someone who has lost a hundred pounds and whose skin will never retract enough to be tight. Not that I have lost 100 pounds. The most I ever lost was 40 pounds after giving birth.

It is the bane of my body. I can deal with break-outty skin, a big ass, saggy bulbous thighs, man-feet, gray hair, bow-legs, a wonky bladder and short arms. But this belly, O it vexes me so!

I guess if this is the bane of my body, it could be a lot worse. You see, I have society’s permission to have a saggy, protuberant belly. I’m 40, goddammit, and if I need to brush the dust and cobwebs off my bikinis and sell them in a garage sale and purchase only Lands End tankinis from here on out, so be it.

I am lucky that I am the 40-something mother of a surly pre-teen, and not still in my 20s or 30s, when folks judge you a little more harshly for being permanently out of shape.

I do believe that if I am going to give in and accept my floppy belly (but still fight it, dammit – I will fight it to the end), I should prolly color my hair. Just to offset the unattractiveness factor.

Well, there goes anything FUN I might have wanted to do tonight. Hair dye. Bah!

In alcohol-related news, I have managed to stay away from the hard stuff today at work, but just barely. I had a half a glass of red, red wine while I cooked dinner last night, but so far today? Nothin’. So far, so good, but as I like to say, day ain’t over yet.

In child-related news, today is the first day of Lil Guy’s summer vacation. Coincidentally, it is the first day of the rest of his life, but isn’t it that same day for all of us?

I digress. This week, the kid is taking a guitar “camp” class thing for an hour a day, and then 4 ½ hours per day of sports camp. He’ll have BoyScout camp next month, along with a week of golf camp. There’s also a football camp later this month that I’m thinking of getting him into so he can (1) see if he even likes football, and if so (2) get a leg-up on training and skillz for next fall.

He’s going to be quite busy. I’ve told him that I refuse to let him sit on the couch all summer long. Most of my summer memories being a kid are of sitting on the couch all summer watching tv. I don’t want him to have the same experience.

Belly Haiku:

Hangs over my jeans
Hops up and sits in my lap
It vexes me so.

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