The Way Things Are






2005-06-01, 1:58 p.m.


From one Emmanuel Kraft comes this gem:

“Re: Vkiss LFurosemide Miscell”

You know, it’s just crazy enough, Emmanuel, that I think it might actually work!

In the local news today, some perv was arrested after soliciting sex from what he thought was a 14-year-old girl, but who turned out to be a cop. Honestly, you pervs, when will you learn? The internet is no longer safe for you.

Also, how can I get a gig as a “14-year-old girl”? How much fun must it be to just slowly unwind the rope, little by little, giving the perv just enough to hang himself?

However, knowing me, I would be really, really nervous about posing as jail bait. I know it’s anonymous, I know I’m 40, not 14, I know the perpetrator cannot see me, but I would be so nervous. I tried something like this one time, you see. I wasn’t posing as a teenage girl, but rather a horny woman looking for a little action on an alleged business trip to San Diego.

OK, it went down like this. It was a practical joke dreamed up by my friend, ohhhh, let’s call her Judy. So Judy had a job with a firm in San Diego, and there was a much-hated intern there. She had told me stories of this intern, let’s call him Assface, and his laziness, his time-sheet cheating, his arrogance, his prissy little frat-boy ways. She hated him, and was so happy when he was caught doctoring up his timesheet red-handed, and tossed out on his pretty little never-worked-an-honest-day’s-work ass.

So imagine the calendar pages flying off the wall in an approximation of time passing, and Judy is perusing the personal ads for local San Diego boys. We all do that, don’t we? Don’t you ever peruse the local personals online to see what losers are there advertising themselves, see if you know anybody that you can taunt? Well, Judy finds an ad that Assface has placed. And a most foul and smarmy piece of self-promotion it was. I’m wrinkling my pretty little nose in disgust at the thought of it. What a dick. Anyway, I digress.

Judy has the most wonderful, terrible idea. She wants to fuck with him. But she doesn’t want to do it herself, just in case he somehow catches on. She wants me to do it, and being a good friend, I oblige.

She sets up a yahoo account for an imaginary woman, and I begin messaging and emailing Assface. I told him that I was going to be traveling to San Diego in a few weeks, and was looking to hookup for nasty, no-strings ass-spamming with somebody while there.


It sounds funny, I know, but even typing out this story, my heart is racing, my hands are shaking, and I feel like I’m about to get caught doing something very very bad.

Assface and I exchanged emails, and I, as the Divine Reigning Mistress of Dirty Talk really laid it on him. He sent me naked pictures of himself. And then I dropped him. I just quit corresponding. O the sad and pouty emails I received. Assface was heartbroken. Here he had a horny hottie primed to engage in dirty acts with him, and…where did she go?

Of all things, I started feeling guilty. Why?!! Why did I feel guilty? I felt sorry for poor, misled Assface. For just a moment or two. Then I vicariously enjoyed Judy’s Laughter of Whooping Delight as she reveled in Assface’s humiliation.

She never did anything with the information we obtained, i.e. his naked pictures, his bragging of sexual conquests and how he could make those bitches scream. Her happiness was completely private, just as Assface’s humiliation was kept completely private, even from himself. Judy just enjoyed Assface’s being a tool and being tooled with, and I, as a supportive friend, am happy to have played a part in her joy.

But you see, I would not be good fake jailbait on the internet. I get nervous. I back out. I feel sorry for my target. I guess if the FBI or the Texas Rangers ever do come knocking at my door to get me to pose as fake jailbait, I’ll have to take some lessons in How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About It.

Come to think of it, there could be a whole series of How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About It books and instructional manuals, covering a variety of topics. They could replace the “------ for Dummies” series.

How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About HTML
How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About Changing a Flat Tire
How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About Doing Your Own Divorce
How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About Windows XP
How Not To Be A Complete Pussy About Just Living Your Life and Getting Over It, Whatever It Is

The possibilities are endless.

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