The Way Things Are






I had an Arbys beef-n-cheddar
2005-07-08, 10:47 a.m.

I had an Arbys beef-n-cheddar with curly fries for lunch yesterday, and I thought up a new slogan for them:

Arbys: So good you’ll wanna take your clothes off.

I think it has potential. I mean, some things are so good, you need to be naked to get all you can out of them, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

At work, I have to negotiate a deal today, and I’m not a great negotiator. I mean, I’ll lay down my hand of cards and say apologetically “This is what I have. What can we do with this?” I might as well have “Use Me” written on my forehead in Sharpie, and go stand in the pawn line. Ah, social anxiety at its finest. Here, let me just give that farm away.

In other news, today is my co-worker Peaches’ 30th birthday. This woman has been 35 her whole life, maturity- and capability-wise, and her chronological age is just starting to catch up. Me? My chronological passed up all my potential at age 19. Yet, being an immature underachiever keeps us young, doesn’t it?

Peaches just taught me a new word that she learned in grad school: clamlicker. Apparently this is a lesbian slur, but I’m going to use it on DW and see if he gets it. I enticed him to try eating sushi several years ago by telling him it tastes like pussy. Hey, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.

Last night, we had a thunderstorm. The first rain we’ve had since May. As soon as the wind picked up, one of the freaking pecan trees in our backyard panicked, and dropped a big-ass branch right on the back porch roof. I laughed a bit as I wondered what the hell had hit us and what kind of damage it did, but DW says it scared him so bad “I pooped a little”. God love him.

We opened the back door to see what was what, and found a giant portion of tree trying to get in the back door at us. Like a scene out of Poltergeist, without the clowns. Unless you count the two of us and one very disobedient, obnoxious dog. So, yeah, there were clowns, I guess.

This morning, there’s tree shit everywhere, all over town. I swear, these wimpy pecan trees. Oooh, wind…I’m scared. I think I’ll drop me knickers.

The good thing about the little storm is that it was around 106* yesterday, but it was a dry heat, which succeeded in desiccating us all a little bit. Today, the high is expected to be around 97*, because the rain cooled us off a bit. And lucky for us, it’s going to be a nice wet, HUMID heat, due to the nice water that’s permeating the ground and sitting in the gutters. Keeps us all young-looking and well-preserved. Mmmmm, preserves.

Tonight, we will go to our friends’ house – they are having a BYOM party (Bring Your Own Meat), in which they open their house to their white trash friends, fire up the grill, and everyone, you guessed it, brings their own meat. The more you say that, the more it sounds like something porn-ish. Bring it! Anyway, I usually try to bring a salad or other random vegetable (along with meat – I’m no meat freeloader) to help break up the carnivory, and let everyone know we are omnivores, not just meat-eaters.

And tomorrow, I get to get up super-early and drive my ass (and the rest of me – not just my ass) out into the country to pick up Lil Guy from camp. I imagine that after 7 days of sleeping in a tent and cooking on a camp stove, he is going to be ready for air conditioning, walking barefoot on a clean floor (sorry, son – no clean floors here), watching TV and eating Mexican food. We’re bringing his friend back with us, too, and I am going to be the cool mom and bring junkie snacks and drinks for the car.


DW and I took Mrs. Beans for a long, brisk walk this morning, and I kept saying over and over and over again “I should loik to take my walk now, with Mizush Beansh.” I say I just wanna be loved, and yet I torture the ones I love so. Yeah, well, love hurts.

Last, I realized that I am entirely bedecked in Old Navy finery today, and wanted to get a picture of that for you. Sadly, my camera phone and short arms have conspired to bring you just a picture of me from my shoulders up, but BONUS – old lady neck crease! Dig it!

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