The Way Things Are






2005-07-12, 3:07 p.m.


I have to tell you people, I am not happy. I am in a foul, foul, perhaps even fetid mood. There is a stinky cloud of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and muttering under my breath about me. I can even feel the muscles in my face contorting into a very scary mask of curmudgeonliness.

But by God, I am not going to ACT like Iím unhappy. If it kills me, and it just might, I am going to act like Iím so freaking happy and content that people will be jealous of me and want to touch my hair and bring me snacks. This is how we do it around here. We arenít moody, we donít nurse grudges, we donít express disappointment or descend into a dungeon of resentment.

We are HAPPY, dammit! HAPPY!

Much like suffering through a break-up, I know that the best cure for a quagmire of unhappiness and bad moodiness is to keep busy and get lots of shit accomplished, so I am working toward that end today.

I will ask you this rhetorical question, or not rhetorical Ė feel free to answer it for me. Do you find that people feel free to criticize, confront, accuse or otherwise express their negative opinions of you, even if you are a champion tongue-biter and hold onto your own negative opinions because you realize such opinions are not productive and are in fact, usually counter-productive? Do you ever find that? Do you? DO YOU?

I have hereby today called a moratorium on holding my tongue. I am going to let people know how much I think they suck, and then Iím going to see what all the fuss is about. Does it really feel that good to be confrontational on issues that donít really matter? Do you get a buzz from getting your face-to-face snark on? Is my soul going to become a black and bitter hole? Have I given up on being the bigger person?

Ah, I have also reached the end of my rope on subcontractors who donít get their work done on our house. I said to the countertop guy today, and I quote, ďI have zero confidence that this job is going to get done the right way. I fully expect to find the wrong materials, in the wrong colors, installed on the wrong surfaces.Ē He was strangely quiet at that, and I sense a little bit of peace in the universe today as one more person fears and loathes me.

But I am HAPPY, dammit. HAPPY. Or at least I look like it. That is one crooked-ass smile. Demented, even. You could use this to scare children! And I think I will!


(shhhhh...don't tell anyone, but writing this made me happy and a little silly)

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