The Way Things Are






All righty then
2005-08-24, 3:02 p.m.

All righty then. Football is a done deal. A done and over dead deal, that is. As I have said, I am disappointed in the kid for backing out on a commitment with only the flimsiest of excuses, but what it comes down to, what DW has been able to discern, is that Lil Guy is scared. Whether scared like stage fright kind of scared (hundreds of screaming fans, and he drops the ball), or scared of getting the pee waddly crap knocked out of him, is anybody’s guess. What? You people don’t say pee waddly crap? DW does, and now I do. You should, too.

So. Much to LG’s chagrin, I signed that little SOB up for guitar lessons at school (I was going to let that slide for a few months until football was done – and he was sooooo happy, but now he’s not. Ha!). He has Scouts tonight, and won’t have to miss anymore of his Wednesday night Scout meetings, starts guitar back up next Tuesday, and I will get him to the golf course this weekend to hit some balls. And I won't let him order his usual bucket of beer at the driving range. It's a new world order.

Last night on the way home, I told him that if he was hoping to quit football in order to have more time for video games, he was sadly mistaken. There are NO video games in our house on school nights, ever again, world without end, amen. And when we got home, and he wanted to watch tv, I told him no. He wanted more time for homework, or at least that was his latest excuse, so homework needed to be done. What? Homework’s all done? Then read a book.

I am a mean mean mom! Sucks to be my kid.

Enough about that, already! Sheesh. Get a life, why don’t ya, Laura?

I had my annual physical, sans insurance, today, and will now do a dramatic reenactment of a conversation betwixt myself and Dr. S. To set the scene, imagine me draped in paper (either your fantasy come to life or your worst nightmare - you decide), feet in the stirrups, and Dr. S up to her elbows in my pieces/parts:

Dr S: What are you doing for birth control?

Me: DW’s vasectomy.

Dr. S: So you’re off the pill?

Me: Yes, for 2 years now. (she’s knows all of this – but our visits are a running mini-seminar on women’s health. It’s fun – lots of Q&A)

Dr. S: You have some vaginal dryness, and sometimes this can be more pronounced when you get off the pill.

Me: I know I do, but it really hasn’t been a problem.

Dr. S: You know the best thing to use? KY Jelly.

Me: We use it. Plus DW does a pretty good job. The dryness hasn’t really presented any kind of problems.

Dr. S: Well, sometimes it’s going off the pill, but it can also be a thyroid indicator. We’re going to get a thyroid check with your blood work.

Me: So I’m lumpy on the top and dry on the bottom.

Dr. S: Well. Yes!

This is just how sexy I am, people. I can't help it. Don't look, for my hotness will scorch your eyeballs.

Ah, the curse of the lumpy boobies. I never knew they were lumpier than anybody else’s. In fact, I always thought they were quit flimsy and void of substance, having never fallen hands-first on anybody else’s naked boobs in say, the sauna or at the gym for comparison. So I’m all set on Monday for a double mammogram, and a bonus double baseline sonogram. Yay! Wouldn’t it be cool, yet alarming, if they found a baby in that there right breastage? That would certainly explain its excessive lumpiness. But it would have to be a tiny, tiny baby to fit in there. Tiny like a hobbit.

Operation HAA (Hire Admin Assistant) is right on track. I finished all my interviews, and had 2 out of 11 candidates completely flake, and had one call me very excited about the job offer she had just received. Shit, she got a job that I have coveted lo these many years, working at a local public agency. It’s the local public agency that is NOT a clusterfuck like a housing authority or city government. I’m envious. Yet I shared her excitement – she could hardly talk for the excitement – and was very, very grateful to her for calling. She’ll be happy there – it’s a much larger organization than ours, with more people, and more projects going on. Cool people and cool projects.

Hmmmm…maybe I should go check out the want ads. Maybe she’ll need a deputy admin assistant.

I totally digressed there, didn’t I? What I was going to say is that I found somebody I want, her minimum salary is too low so I’m going to offer her a bit more than the pittance she asked for (we’re not a public clusterfuck agency here – we pay our people) (and then heap on the abuse) (just kidding – I’m fun to work for) (really) and as soon as I finish up here, I am going to call her and make an offer for her to start next Thursday.

And if she can’t take it, I have my choices lined up in order of preference. Wish me luck.

UPDATE: She took it! Starts September 1. I'm so excited!

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