STORIES THAT GO NOWHERE
2005-11-03, 12:07 p.m.

STORIES THAT GO NOWHERE

1. Since we live out in the sticks now, we have well water and a septic system. Woe to the homeowner who allows that septic system to get all wonky, which it did a few weeks ago when there was some kind of kink in the delivery system, and the shit was literally dammed up and not getting where it needed to get, and none of our toilets would flush, and I was afraid to take a shower for fear of what would back up into the shower drain. I didn�t want to end up standing an inch deep in raw sewage, so it was an Italian shower for me (a bit of cold water splashed into the armpits, and lots of deodorant and cologne) (I�m such a treat) (you love me) (it�s fixed now).

Where I�m going with this is here: there�s a monthly thing, a THING, you are supposed to do, each month just like I said, to keep all the good bugs in balance in your septic tank, so that they keep living down there in the murky depths, happily eating up and processing all that raw sewage.

Ever heard of Rid X? It�s like food for your septic tank. It comes in a box, and you buy it at the grocery store, although I suppose grocery stores outside the sticks market probably don�t carry it.

It�s this box of brownish powder that you pour into the toilet, flush it down, and then don�t flush anymore toilets for the night, and it sits in your septic tank and, shit, I don�t know. Grows like a big old yeasty bread dough or something down in there.

I made DW do it the first month we were there, because I was afraid it was going to stink, and I was still in a bit of princess mode at the time. I�ve snapped out of my princess setting, and I have turned my strong and capable volume up to 11, and I decided that I could indeed manage to Rid X our system for November.

I stood warily, giving the toilet a leery look (Look leery, Laura!), and opened the box. I poured it into the potty, and heard a gurgling noise as the Gods of Sewerage (misspelling intentional! That�s how I say it) accepted this offering. It really did gurgle because it was this giant LOAD of SOMETHING sliding down the drain pipe into whatever scary sewage pipe runs under the house.

Then I flushed. And I kid you not, that shit bubbled up and mixed with the toilet water and I thought it was going to explode out of there at me. That�s really the end of my story, and I guess I told it just to say that there are THINGS you have to do when you live out in the sticks, and some of them are kind of gross and surprising. The end.

2. I was musing with a co-worker the other day about the fact that the suit jacket I was wearing appears to have a bit of a shoulder pad in it. I wondered if I should dig into the fabric and rassle that shoulder pad out of the jacket in order to update my look. Hello, 1989!

We decided that it just doesn�t matter because who the hell ever sees me anyway? We�ve got all the over-40s, and they don�t know any better, and then we�ve go the 30-somethings who are so hip to the jive and all that, that there�s NOTHING I could do to redeem myself, fashion-speaking, in their eyes.

I�m certainly not dressing for DW, whose main concern with my wardrobe is whether or not I�m wearing panties. Just for the record, I almost always am.

Here�s a hypothetical conversation:

Me: Hon, whaddaya think about these shoulder pads? Is it time for me to retire this jacket?
Him: Baby, get those panties off.

See? See what I mean? That�s EXACTLY how it would go.

3. I�ve been having some trouble with my left shoulder, in that I think I worked out a little vigorously and strained something. All I know is it hurt yesterday � it hurt real bad! I remembered something that a physical therapist at church talked about, so I did a little search on frozen shoulder, which I don�t think I have because it is much better today, thank you very much. But anyway, my research halted very quickly when I came across this website: http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/fact/thr_report.cfm?Thread_ID=162&topcategory=Shoulder and got a glimpse at Figure 2. Take a look. That�ll fix your frozen shoulder up right quick. I think I have frozen eyeball now.