The Way Things Are






Couples’ Free Skate
2006-02-14, 3:14 p.m.

Couples’ Free Skate, with thought balloons translated by Laura:

Close-up on Russian Male Skater:
(“I hate this fucking shirt. It has wings. Why do I have to look gay? I’m not gay!”)

Close-up on Russian Female Skater:
(“I hate that dick. Why is he so gay? God! Must.Keep.Smiling. Oh, no. It’s starting. I can’t wait to finish this and then I am OUT OF HERE and going to the bar.)

Their routine begins. The couple begins to swirl gracefully through the ice, and inexplicably, the girl-skater leans down and does the “Lame Duck” pose, one ankle held in her hands.

Russian Male Skater:
(“What the hell is she doing? We didn’t do that in practice. She ad libs this shit, and it’s embarrassing. Now I have to pick her up and spin her. Jeez, she’s packed on a few, hasn’t she? Few too many rounds at the bar.”)

Russian Female Skater:
(“Weakling! Pussy! Higher! Faster! THROW ME. NOT THAT HARD!)

Russian Male Skater:
(“I haven’t seen that many legs go in that many directions since living in the dorm in college. I hope the networks blurred out that shot of her crotch. Her leotard was askew. I should know.”)

Russian Female Skater:
(“I hate him. As soon as we finish here, I am retiring.”)

Cut to Chinese skaters waiting on sidelines:

Male Chinese Skater:
(“Die, bitches.”)

Female Chinese Skater:
(“We are so screwed.”)

Back to the antics on the ice:

Russian Male Skater:
(“We agreed on 3 spins. Why did she only do 2? We’re on fire, baby! Where was the third spin?”)

Russian Female Skater:
(“It was NOT COOL to turn me upside down on that one – my face is not supposed to be in your crotch.”)

Russian Male Skater:
(“What would happen if I threw her ass up into the stands right now? Just toss her up there? Would the crowds tear her to pieces? I’d like to find out. I could be free.”)

Russian Female Skater:
(“Whatever we do, the Chinese cannot win the bronze. DIE BITCHES!”)

Russian Male Skater, sighing:

Cut to Chinese skaters waiting on sidelines:

Chinese Male Skater:
(“By my calculations, we must score 125.7, or we will be marched out back and executed at dawn.”)

Chinese Female Skater:
(“I’m too young to die. Can I defect to Italy? Where’s the nearest embassy? Hmmm. I like her outfit. Very festive and floaty. I love this punk rock haircut they gave me downtown. I’m fierce! Italy rocks!”) (does mental rock-n-roll devil hands)

Cut to Chinese skating coach:
(“I will kill them with my bare hands if they lose to the Russian whore dogs.”)

Pan to second Russian skating couple waiting on sidelines:

Russian Female Skater II:
(“What is that smell? Do I smell beets? Whore! She is smear of cabbage on my shoe. Why did American coach ask me to say “Moose and Squirrel”? I have been disgraced.”)

Male Russian Skater II:
(“I can take these Chinese pussies. They weigh about a buck fiddy together. Now, if I take a lead pipe…”)

The Russians on the ice take a break on the ice to shake their asses and perform expressive jazz hands.

Cut to Chinese skating coach:
(“Complete choreographic cop-out. I hope everyone saw that. They are a disgrace to the dignified and revered sport of ice dancing.”)

Voice-over of female ice dancing announcer:
“Complete choreographic cop-out! I hope they lose! Not a good start! Not a good way to end! The judges see all! The Russians do not have a strong skating program! She has put on weight! He freaked out at the World Finals and dropped her on her head! Let’s see if he can overcome his nerves and perform! Announcers jinx! What’s an announcer’s jinx?”

Voice-over of male ice dancing announcer:
“Just calm down now. Just because you’re dried up and withered and can’t do it anymore, doesn’t mean you get to rag on these crazy kids. Remember your nipple slip of ’76? The original wardrobe malfunction! Ha ha haaaa!”

As a breast pops out on the ice, the judges stand in unison and offer up straight 10s. And we mean that in the dirty way.

Russian Female Skater I:
(“Ha. I planned that. When in doubt, show ‘em your tits.”)

Russian Male Skater I:

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