The Way Things Are






BAD sex dreams
2006-02-23, 8:59 a.m.

Look at how sad I am. Not really. Just tired of these glasses.

What does it mean to consistently have BAD sex dreams? I mean, lifelong bad sex dreams, not just a recent spate of ‘em.

Most often my sex dreams consist of trying to find a place to do it. I can remember dreams involving my parents’ house, a football stadium, and camping. There’s no actual doing it. Just trying to find a place, and being met with constant interruption, frustration, knocks on the door, people walking in, bears, etc.

I once had a sex dream about THE RECEPTIONIST WHERE I WORKED. That was truly alarming and disturbing, because there was no lead-up to the sex dream part. All of a sudden, there was I was in bed with Letty, who, well, you’d have to meet her, but she’s not a person you would look at and have any kind of sexual thoughts at all, like, say…Denise Richards, whom, of course, you look at and think “…hmmmm. She might be on my list.”*

So all of a sudden I’m in bed with Letty, and I’m thinking, Good God, what am I doing? This is gross! In the dream, she had the same revelation and we laughed at ourselves and each other and were both grossed out, and probably swore each other to secrecy whilst surreptitiously vomiting over the side of the bed.

How did I end up in bed with Letty, I ask you?

Of course, when I got to work the next day, I told her about it, and just like in the dream, she laughed at me. At least, for all her mom-jean and 80s-glasses wearing ways, she had a remarkably good sense of humor about these kinds of things.

Another time - the dream involving the football stadium - the dream was about my friend Angie’s husband. As is my wont, I told her about it, and the next time I saw her husband, he greeted me with “So how was I?” I had to tell him the truth: he was frustrating and unfulfilling. He had NO sex-location-finding skillz and I had absolutely nothing to thank him for. It was nothing but sneaking down long hallways lined with windows with people looking out at us, trying the doors of the box seats, and finding them all locked.

My most discouraging sex dream did involve actually doing it, but here’s the context of that: it was with my gay ex-boyfriend from college, and in the dream, I’m trying my hardest, I really am, and he had the saddest look on his face, and I asked him “You don’t really like this, do you?” and he answered, “No.” And I did my world famous dismount, and that was that. I have never wondered about him again since then. CLOSURE! THANK YOU!

Every now and then, when I ask DW how he slept, he’ll tell me he had a GREAT dream about me, and go into whatever disjointed surreal detail about what we were doing and where we were doing it (a recent one involved a flag football tournament, and we did it on the beer cooler). And I envy him, and all the people of the world who have good sex dreams.

You might think that this means I am completely frigid and repressed, but I assure you, my friends, I am not. I am ON FIRE. Maybe bad sex dreams mean something entirely different, like I should look for my winning lottery numbers hidden in the context of the dream somewhere.

*You know you have a list.

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