The Way Things Are






One of those list thingies.
2006-03-08, 3:00 p.m.

NOTE: edited to delete any and all references to the French language, French food, French people, or French kissing. And toast.

Busy, yet kind of lazy. Out of words and stories. Not wanting to come up with something out of my own brain, I copied one of those list thingies from Mimi, and spent some time this morning being prompted to come up with answers, rather than making it all up as I go along.

I do have one little snippet for you. I was in the car with Lil Guy yesterday, and I was lecturing him on getting into A&M, and what he’s going to need to do, and good grades aren’t going to be enough, and Eagle Scout blah blah blah, and golf scholarship blah blah blah, work your tail off blah blah blah, etc etc etc blah blah blah:

“Mom! You’re just telling me stuff I already know. Gosh! You’ve already told me all of this.”

“It’s my job to hammer this stuff into your head, and it’s your job to roll your eyes and get exasperated with me.”

“Well, you’re really good at your job. You should get paid for this.”


Without further ah-doo (ado for you outside Texas and unfamiliar with my phonics), I present to you a bunch of questions that were kind of fun to answer and expound upon. Oops, that’s ending a sentence with a preposition. Expound upon, MOTHERFUCKER.

What time did you get up this morning? 5:00.

Diamonds or pearls? Um, hmmm. Diamonds, since I’m wearing some right now.

What is the last movie you saw at a theater? Narnia.

What is your favorite TV show? The Office. Check this out.

What did you have for breakfast? An egg and sausage taco, homemade by me. (there are no French words in that sentence)

What is your middle name? Danger. No! Flea!

What is your favorite cuisine? Is seafood considered its own cuisine, or do I have to qualify it with “Mexican seafood”, aka shrimp quesdadillas, or “Redneck seafood” aka fried catfish and oysters? Because I will if I have to.

What foods do you dislike? I do not like okra very much at all. Slimy, hairy and stringy, all in one unfortunately stinky vegetable.

Favorite potato chip? The ruffledy kind with some kind of flavored powder on it. Even better if there’s something to dip it in. I don’t care. I’ll eat most anything. Except okra and okra-based foods.

What is your favorite CD at the moment? I ordered the first three Harry Potters on CD yesterday (used at Amazon), and I think our Harry Potter CD collection is complete now. The jury is still out on “The Goblet of Fire”. I think we have that one on CD, but I can’t find it, which might mean we loaned it out. My money’s on Don or my mother-in-law. I would say the collective “that” is my favorite. If my cassette player in my car worked right, I’d change the question so that I could answer you “Beastie Boys License to Ill”, but I can’t actually listen to it because my car will eat it, as it is on that old-fangledy tape stuff.

What kind of car do you drive? Toyota Rav 4.

What characteristics do you despise? (1) Self-absorption, (2) the inability to just fucking let it go, (3) and the inability to shut up and enjoy a comfortable silence. Jesus.

Favorite item of clothing? Some jeans? I guess? Underpants? I wear them most every day, you know.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? How about the beach right outside Wilmington, NC?

What color is your bathroom? Benjamin Moore’s Spring Green or Spring Hill or something. Light green.

Favorite brand of clothing? Work: Ann Taylor Loft, whom I visited today at lunch, coincidentally enough. Casual: Old Navy.

Where would you retire? I’m going to go way out on a wishful limb here and say in a recently-built house in South Central Texas where I currently live.

Favorite time of day? 3:00 p.m., when my brain wakes up and the neurons start firing together correctly.

Where were you born? Small town Central Texas.

Favorite sports to watch? I’ll watch any sport live and in person, just for the beer and camaraderie, even boxing (flying blood and sweat! Sweet!) but on TV, about all I can stand is basketball.

What laundry detergent do you use? It’s a liquid in a giant purple container with a snout, I mean, a spout.

Coke or Pepsi? Neither. They irritate my wonky bladder. But I do occasionally break down and have a Diet DP, and that is truly worth the hurty hindparts that result.

Morning person or night owl? I’m not really very good any time of day, but I’m less cranky in the morning.

What size shoe do you wear? 6.5 or 7, depends on the time of year and how puffy my feet are.

Do you have pets? Yes, but I think they consider me their pets. One day they’ll crate me when it’s time for me to sleep. Two dogs.

What would you like to share with your friends? A case of wine and a comfie place to sit and shoot the shit.

Who or what did you want to be when you were little? Speed Racer’s wife, or Donnie Osmond’s wife, or if those fell through, an architect.

Favorite candy bar? Bleh. Can’t say I have a favorite.

Best childhood memory? Bleh. Can’t say I have a favorite, but there are some that stand out as good.

What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Paper pusher, counter girl, whipping girl, manual laborer, phone answerer, scapegoat (current).

Piercing? Two legitimate ear piercings, plus one extra in my left ear that I did myself after anesthetizing myself with vodka. Hey, it was 1987, and I wanted to go out dancing at the gay bar, and I needed a big-ass dangly cross hanging off my ear to complete me. Don’t judge. Oh yeah, a belly button piercing that I have let close up, because nothing says “class” like an out-of-shape middle-aged white woman with a belly button piercing. DW and I pulled the ring apart and removed it out in the garage before going swimming one hot summer day, using two pairs of pliers. I was sick of my tired little ring disappearing into my roll of fat.

Eye color? Brown.

Ever been to Africa? Yeah, right. NO.

Ever been toilet papering? Let me answer this with a question: what is this? Junior high?

Love someone so much it made you cry? Whatever. I am a robot. I do not cry.

Been in a car accident? Yep.

Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons.

Favorite day of the week? Friday.

Favorite restaurant? I like quite a few of them. No favorites.

Favorite flower? I really have no favorite, but this time of year when the mountain laurels are blooming, it is pretty cool to smell their grapey scent in the air.

Favorite ice cream? Not a big ice cream eater, but I am partial to Sweet Cream at Marble Slab with no add-ins. Why do you want to screw with ice cream like that? Leave it alone.

Disney or Warner Brothers? Puh. Who cares?

Favorite fast food restaurant? Arby’s.

What color is your bedroom carpet? We have no bedroom carpet.

How many times did you fail your drivers test? I resent that. I passed it with a 70 the first time, and continue to drive at a “barely-passing” level of skill.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The liquor store? OK, maybe Target would the more responsible choice.

What do you do when you are bored? S’dookie.

Bed time? When the last chore is done. 10:00ish

Last person you went to dinner with? It was PEOPLE, not person. DW, LG, Don, the Larrupsons, Mr. Larrupson’s parents, and Mr. Larrupson’s old golf coach from high school. We heart old people. We really do.

Ford or Chevy? What?

What are you listening to right now? Glenn Beck, on hate-filled talk radio.

What is your favorite color? Yellow! No, BLUE! No! Purpley blue.

Lake, ocean or river? Mountains! Oh, wait. Ocean.

How many tattoos do you have? None, but it’s interesting that DW tells me that if I had had a tattoo when we met, it would have been a deal breaker. Makes me want to get a tiny little tattoo that says “Suck my dick.”

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This morning for breakfast, it was the egg. But really, why do we limit this question to chickens? Didn’t everything in the Animal Kingdom (there’s the Animal Kingdom, the Plant Kingdom, and then there are the wily slime molds, which demonstrate characteristics of both at certain times in their life cycles – HEY, I GUESS I DID LEARN SOMETHING IN COLLEGE) at some point come from a fertilized egg? What came first, the baby or the egg? The egg, obviously. Then came the sperm, then came the baby. There, I’ve solved the riddle. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Where would you go for a girls/guys weekend getaway? Hmmmm, I’m going to say to a small beach town right outside Wilmington, NC.

What would you do if you had to select another career? Ah, Plan B. Paralegal school. Being a smartypants paper wrangler. What could be better?

Favorite family vacation? So far, it’s been my sister’s Mexican Wedding at a swanky all-inclusive resort on the Mexican Riviera. But I did really like DW’s and my trip to Maine a few summers ago. When Robyn talks about going shopping in Bath, I know what she’s talking about.

(cue robot voice) THAT.IS.ALL.

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