The Way Things Are






He was a spider with a goal.
2006-04-12, 2:43 p.m.

Iíve been inspired to write about spiders today. Hereís my story:

This morning, as I do every morning, I opened up the back door and let Miss Piper out for her morning toilette. Our back door drops about 2 feet to the ground, because we donít have the back deck built yet.

PATIENCE, LAURA! It will get built. Itís DWís fault.

Anyway, we have a little temporary wooden step thing that I stand on while the dogs pee, so my delicate little feets wonít have to touch the ground. I stood there on my little step stool platform, surveying my domain, master of it all, and noticed a large, black spider wandering around on the threshold next to me.

Not to worry. Spiders are very common for us, and I donít usually kill them because Spiders Are Our Friends. Although itís apparently no longer in print, and not available at Amazon, thatís the first book I remember checking out from my elementary school library in first grade, from the librarian with the most kickass name in library history: Charlotte Weber, and it made a BIG impression on me.

So anyway, Iím not much into killing my friends, especially my friends the spiders. However, if they encroach into spaces they are not invited to share with me and my bare feet, I sometimes take matters into my own hands, or usually, shod feet.

Once, there was a really large wolf spider that seemed to think its new home should be under the bed, right under me where I sleep. I would find him lounging on my slippers in the morning, and then one day, those pink fuzzy slippers turned on him and dispatched him handily. Or footily I should say.

We had a smaller one hanging out on the bathroom floor for a few days, where I like to walk around barefoot, sometimes in the middle of the night in the dark, so I had to get rid of him, too.

You can see that this leaves me feeling a bit guilty, because I remember these incidents and can pinpoint the location and offense of the two spiders I have killed intentionally.

We need to add a third spider to my kill list.

This morning, I noticed the rather largish black spider scurrying about on the threshold, and then I noticed him standing up with several of his feet against the door, like the dogs do when they want in.

When I opened the door to let myself and Piper back inside, that spider RAN in, like he had a need to get in the house, and he knew exactly where he needed to go to carry out his mission.

He was a spider with a goal, and that goal included getting in the house, so I did what anybody would do: I squashed him. I then apologized to him, but dude, when youíre a spider and you HAVE to get into my house, I can only assume that you intend to spin a huge, human-sized web, trap us and our pets, and then feast upon our bodily fluids.

And Iím sorry, but Iím still using my fluids.

Iím only thinking of the person who would discover our desiccated bodies suspended in the air in web-hammocks, a REALLY big spider hovering next to us, sucking humanflesh from his teeth. That person would be traumatized, not to mention the crushing guilt of poor Don, our Varmint Whisperer. Itís his job to keep our bug population down to a manageable number, and if he had allowed a spider to slaughter us all, he would be really sad, and it would look really bad on his resume.


SFK, you crack me up with your wondering how my mind works, and then your resolution to send comments only via USPS in the future. Yes, sex and poop. I like it when the comments are funnier than the original entry.

Do you people see why I depend on you?


Wanna see a picture of me that I got in the mail from some work colleagues? I got this in the mail with no note, no memo, nothing. Maybe it is intended as blackmail. Maybe I should paste this into my resume.

I am so smart! SMRT!

This is a picture of a picture, so you see how stellar the quality is. This is me giving a speech at an event, outdoors, squinting, and mid-word. Please notice that Iím showing lots of tooth. I love how the photographer caught me making such a pretty face. It makes people laugh right out loud at me when they see this pretty picture.

I also love recreating that face for my co-workers. Like this:

Donít you wish you worked here?

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