The Way Things Are






Taylor Hicks must be stopped.
2006-04-19, 1:29 p.m.

Two reasons I am considering swearing off celebrity gossip and reality television:

1. TomKitten

2. Taylor Hicks

I hate HATE HATE the amalgamation of the names of celebrities. Hate it. So cheesy, so smug, so cute, so stupid. In fact, it insults me personally Ė thatís how inane it is. It almost physically hurts me every time I see the faux word ďTomKittenĒ, and thatís a pretty difficult word to avoid today.

(vomiting into my trash can)

And I realized last night that when Taylor Hicks speaks, sings, or dances on TV, he destroys another little bit of the cornerstone of America.

He embarrasses me, he embarrasses you, he embarrasses all of America, and the process just spirals lurchily forward, with the end result being that he makes terrorism stronger, and makes us vulnerable to pandemic flu, drought and widespread electrical outages. In fact, Iím pretty sure heís to blame for my skin breaking out. Thatís how bad Taylor Hicks is, and he must be stopped.

The good news is, my skin is clearing up, so perhaps this bodes well for Taylorís getting the BOOOOOOT from American Idol. Letís hope.


Do you ever casually glance at your horror-scope and find that it is eerily specific and accurate? Today, my eyeballs, of their own accord, glanced at the Ďscope for Leo, which said:

What you add to any situation is a solid perspective and way of looking at issues.

But of course! OK, itís a leeeeetle vague and fluffy, and could apply to anybody who thinks they have a solid perspective and way of looking at issues. But I do pride myself on my solid perspective and way of looking at issues. Am solidly pragmatic. No effing nonsense HERE, except when silliness is called for, and then itís just another aspect to my way of looking at issues.

You might want to rethink a habit or routine.

JUST AT THAT MOMENT, I was reading a blurb in the newspaper about people procrastinating on their taxes, and thinking to myself, ďSelf, you need to get back on track with your procrastination behavior modification.Ē This is a little scary, because I DO need to rethink my habit or routine of screwing around in the morning until my neurons start firing, and then work work work working like a madwoman all afternoon. And how ironic is it that Iím screwing around here talking about it? Very, thatís how.

Perhaps your automatic behavior doesnít work anymore.

But really, does automatic behavior EVER work? I think not.

Tonight: Get some exercise.

Well, I was JUST AT THAT MOMENT thinking about how I didnít feel like working out this morning due to extreme irritability exacerbated by bone-tiredness, and that I should make an effort to get some exercise this evening. Nothing motivates me to drink exercise like being all tired and irritable.

So itís spooky, and if I find that the newspaper continues to reflect the very thoughts flitting through my brain moment by moment, Iíll report back, sporting an aluminum colander on my head.

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