The Way Things Are






XXXtreme procrastination tendencies.
2006-04-20, 3:21 p.m.

See ya, Ace. I Ďspect weíll be seeing you in an underwear ad, or perhaps The Surreal Life. Nice eyebrows! To quote Paula: ďThose eyes. HEH-LLLO!Ē


Note: if you are Buddhist, yes, YOU WIN.


Here are some questions I know you are dying to ask, but are too intimidated by my beauty to actually speak up. Itís okay Ė Iím here to help you. People have always been intimidated by my beauty, and thatís why I didnít date much in high school or college, and itís also why it was so hard for me to find a job in the late 80s.

No, itís not my prickly personality or my inviting scowl. I INTIMIDATE YOU WITH MY BEAUTY, DAMMIT! ADMIT IT.

Hey Laura!

1. You mentioned that your skin is clearing up. To what do you attribute this miracle?

Answer: Copious amounts of benzoyl peroxide (itís not causing the itchy, red bumps like it used to), and a lot of Vitamin A. Be careful if you decide try the ďLot of Vitamin AĒ route: itís toxic at high doses, not water-soluble (you donít pee out any excess Ė you store it in those cardboard file boxes), and I think it causes birth defects, which is not a danger in my house, but it could be in yours. Do your homework, people, and be careful out there.

2. Have you found the perfect lipstick yet?

Answer: How did you even know I was having trouble with this? But the answer, my friends, is YES. Itís one of those Almay all-day lip paint things, and the color is Raisinette. Do not bother with the Roseberry; it is really Hot Lurid Pink, and unless you are very, very special, it is a color designed to do you no favors.

Look at it. Look at it, I say! ACCEPT IT BEFORE IT DEEESTROYS YOU!

Chill, dude. Itís just lipstick.

3. How is your sweaty foot situation?

Answer: Iím glad you axed. I did indeed buy some Arid XXX (triple X because Iím three times the nasty) and I spray it on my dainty feets every morning. And since I was already spraying it on my feet, I have gone ahead and started spraying it in my armpits, too, and killing some baby seals and polluting the aquifer and probably promoting terrorism and Taylor Hicks, too. But it works really well, and I donít understand what misguided desire to save the Planet Earth ever led me to use mashy, pasty, solid deodorant in the first place. Itís about ME and my tendency toward schweatiness, not saving the environment. FUCK the environment, man, I need to smell good. Thatís my contribution to the environment: not being so stinky. YOUíRE WELCOME.

4. Did you and DW work out your communication problems in bed?

Answer: Yes we did. I told him that if he ever, ever intends to have sex with me, he needs to bust his nut move within the first three minutes of me getting into bed. That thirty minutes of arm-rubbing disguised as noncommittal ďforeplayĒ will only put me to sleep. He responded by whipping his pants off. If thereís one thang that man can do, itís whipping his pants off. Heís had lots of practice is all Iím going to say.

5. What are you reading right now, like a book or something?

Answer: Nothing. I need a good book. Any suggestions? Anything not written by Dan Brown? Is it any coincidence that Dan Brown and Danielle Steele have the same first name? I think not.

6. What are you wearing? (obviously, this question must be asked in a drunken bray, like this) WHUDDER YOO WEAR-HING? (BRUUURRRP)

Iím wearing some pants that I got on clearance at Ann Taylor Loft the other day, a pink button-down (with the sleeves rolled up, and probably the last button-down Iíll wear until next October) (because itís fucking hot around here, but only supposed to be high 80s today so Iím celebrating by wearing sleeves), and my bright pink sandals, which bring out the bright pink pinstripe in my pants. Thanks for asking. Yes, Iím HOTT.

7. Are you over the extreme tiredness and irritability of yesterday? And if so, howíd ya do it?

Answer: Yes, I am. Thanks for asking. Hot sex (within the first 3 minutes of getting into bed, lasting a full 8 minutes) followed by 8 hours of restorative sleep last night.

8. How is that behavioral therapy going for your XXXtreme procrastination tendencies?

No comment. I, uhÖI gotta go.

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