The Way Things Are






A One Day of Health
2006-05-19, 4:20 p.m.

Holy shit, y’all! My picture phone and email decided to play nicely together today and cooperate, and what did I do? I wasted that opportunity on this sad little image.

Water. WATER!

We (here in the office) often wonder what kind of humongous, person-eating plant this would be, if only I would treat it right. This poor plant was sent to me by a guy I had never met – his mother picked me up in a bar, asking for my phone number because she KNEW I would be perfect for her son.

She said she could tell I was beautiful on the inside, and not just on the outside, and I thought to myself “If your son is hot, I will jump his bones.”

We talked on the phone a few times, went out for a drink once…eh, very nice guy, fun to talk to, no sparks. But I got this nice plant which I clearly cherish.


Yesterday, I had to attend a meeting in which an ineffectual quasi-governmental state housing agency flexed its puny muscles and tried to justify its existence by browbeating my staff and me about inconsequential “health and safety” issues on several of our properties.

Health and safety, says who? Oh, you? Just you and nobody else, like, say federal housing standards, local code compliance, or common sense? Just you? OK, then, we’ll get right on that.

Not. Sheesh!

So after all our sound whippings, where the most painful thing for me was to keep my eyes from rolling too far back into my skull, the lead whipper asked “So, would y’all like to join us for lunch?”

Um, no thanks. I very quickly made an excuse about a fake fishing tournament sponsor meeting I had to attend, scurried down the hall to my office, pretended to get on the phone to talk to my sponsors (“downtown San Antonio time: 12:36. Temperature: 88”), gathered my purse and little planner, and stopped in Peaches’ office to let her know where I was going:

::whispering:: “Cathy asked us to go to lunch with her, so I’m going to drive around aimlessly for a while and pretend like I have a fishing tournament sponsor meeting. ::not whispering:: OK, BYE! I’LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET BACK FROM MY MEETING!”

I walked outside to the parking lot, got in the car, drove out into the street, and just in case I was being observed, I called DW, so I would look like I was so busy returning phone calls on my way to my meeting.

Me: Whatcha doing?

Him: Going to lunch with Don.

Me: Where are y’all going?

Him: Pizza buffet. What are YOU doing?

Me: Avoiding going to lunch with some people I don’t want to eat lunch with, so you’re part of my elaborate ruse as I drive around aimlessly trying to look like I’m really busy until the coast is clear and I’m sure they are gone.

Him: Well, all RIGHT!


I ended up at DSW, the mothership, and I bought these shoes. I bought them for a lot less than you can get them at Zappo’s, which makes me feel like the whole lunch avoidance thing was well worth it.

These shoes were purchased to replace a pair of shoes I bought at Target back in 1999 (when we all partied, you know, like it was 1999, because it was), and have continued to wear for seven years. There is no shoe sold at Target that is intended to physically hold up for seven years, and if there is any STYLE of shoe intended to be relevant, or even acceptable for seven years, it is not sold at Target.

My sister EB told me when we were there last week that I really needed to replace my beloved Target shoes, and you know I do what she tells me to do. So I did it. I’m glad I did it, and I’d do it again.

I multitasked yesterday: I avoided the Lunch Meeting of Much Discomfort and Scornful Face-Making, and I replaced a pair of shoes. It’s almost like I didn’t even buy a new pair of shoes. I am directly replacing a worn-out pair.


This morning, as I lay in bed trying to avoid getting up as long as possible, and having some of those weird half-awake dreams (in one, I dreamed that I had to go to a Remax office and pick up some paperwork. Sexy! and PARTY!), I came up with the idea that today, Friday, should be a One Day of Health.

What is a One Day of Health? I can hear you asking. It’s when instead of decreeing to yourself that you are going to be HEALTHY and eat three square meals A DAY, and try to drink enough WATER, and take your VITAMINS for the rest of your entire, sad, deprived existence, that you’re going to try it out for just one day. I guess it’s kind of like AA, except different, because there’s really just this one step, so far.

Here’s my to-do list for my One Day of Health:

1. Eat breakfast (check. Pop tarts count)

2. Eat a decent lunch (check. Didn’t get around to it until 3:00, but there you are)

3. Eat three apples (one down, two to go)

4. Drink some water (have had one LaCroix, and am working on a Fresca. Fresca has water in it, as does beer)

5. Eat dinner (maybe that will be beer, or a ballpark hot dog. OR BOTH)

6. Get a pedicure (check. I don’t think I need to explain or justify this one)

Here it is. I feel healthier already.


Not to screw up a good thang, but just let’s just take a chance here. In case you have forgotten what I look like when I forget to wear makeup to work, yet retain the ability to cock my eyebrows:

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