The Way Things Are






A fresh vegetable and a new car.
2006-06-02, 4:28 p.m.

I’ll tell you what was wrong with my scarf belt yesterday.

(1) I did not have it did through my belt loops.
(2) I did not have my shirt tucked in.
(3) I was trying to let the scarf hang out around the bottom of my untucked shirt, unfettered by belt loops. All it did was accentuate my squatliness.

So what I did was, I tucked in my shirt, but bloused it out a bit, you know, like I’m one of the really cool and casual kids, and then I strung the scarf through the belt loops, pulled it off the side, and tied it in a bow. It was fine after that, and I think we all learned a lesson, didn’t we?



June 2, 2006

Insane Journal Writer
The Internet

RE: Your update of June 2, 2006

Dear Insane Journal Writer:

This letter is written in response to your recent journal update, referenced above. I have decided that I cannot continue to read your journal for the reasons listed below:

1. You are a pathological liar – insane and delusional. You do not have a delicious trainwrecky “there but for the grace of God” vibe going on; rather, you are merely infuriating obtuse.

2. Reading your journal sucks a part of my soul out of my body, and I have no soul bits to spare.

3. Your writing makes my head pound and a scream of frustration well up in my throat.

4. You are delusional enough that you seem to believe your own bullshit.

5. Your toxic personality permeates my pores and depresses me, until I find that I cannot write in my own voice. I START TO CHANNEL YOU, as if a bit of your craziness has leached into my bones, and I have lost a little bit of my own personality. As with soul, I have no personality to spare.

Please be apprised that although I have never left you a comment, and that to my knowledge, you have never read nor commented upon my own journal, nor do I know whether you are aware that I even exist, in the interest of my own mental health, I will no longer read your journal, no matter how tempting it may be to see to which depths you may have sunk, or to read what malarkey you may be spewing.

If you have any questions or need additional information about this matter, please do not hesitate to…never mind. Don’t write or call.

By Laura Flea, its Proprietress

I’m sorry – I need to detox, have some fun, live a little bit of life, get some work done, and come back afresh and anew on Monday.

(Funny side story: when I was a youngster, growing up Baptist, our preacher would always ask the Lord in the closing prayer to “make us all afresh and anew…” I asked my mother one day, a fresh WHAT and a new WHAT? My brother, who had obviously given this some thought already, replied “A fresh vegetable and a new car.” We KNEW we were that funny.)

So I’ll be back on Monday, a fresh vegetable and a new car.

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