The Way Things Are






Will you still love me? Will ya? Huh?
2006-07-25, 6:27 p.m.

I will tell you wut. Scorpions? Hah. I scoff at scorpions.

::scoff scoff::

See? Scoffing. Scorpions are small, easily beaten to death with a Swiffer, a flip-flop or a Wurstfest cup, and while they may turn up in unusual places, they don’t do this:

Can you see what that is?

How ‘bout now?

OK. NOW???

Saturday (at first I wrote “Saturdy”, which is how I pronounce it, so) Saturdy, I was innocently standing at my kitchen sink, making coffee or dutifully rinsing a dish or something, and I looked out the window to admire the lush Boston ferns hanging on the front porch, when I saw A FUCKING SNAKE entwined lovingly in the hanging basket chain.

Good Christ, people. I screeched and screamed, and every hair on my body stood on end, and I ‘rose such a clatter that Lil Guy had to pat me on the arm consolingly to get me to calm down and see how irrational I was being.

That’s the same hanging plant that until very recently housed a lil birdy nest and lil baby birdies, and I supposed that’s why the evil serpent dropped himself off the roof (THE ROOF. FUCK.) to pay a little visit to the hanging plant. A little while later, the snake was gone, as are now I assume the baby birdies, and I don’t know whether he has taken up quarters in the hanging plant, or if he just dropped off, landed on the ground, and slithered away to feast on more innocent, baby wildlife. When I water that plant, I stand well back.

The next morning, when I picked up a dirty dish out of the sink to put its ass in the dishwasher where it belongs, and a scorpion reared up out of the drain thingy all threateningly, I beat its ass to pieces with a plastic beer cup. Whatever. I’m over the scorpions. They are just bugs that sting.

This all makes me wonder what the hell is going to scare me next, to put things like rat snakes hanging in the hanging plants into perspective. Dragons? Werewolves? What will make me say “whatever” to snakes hanging off the rafters? Killer rabbits?


So if I promise to update here on a semi-regular basis using small, succinct journal entries, will you still love me? Will ya? Huh? Huh? Huh? Will ya? If I stop doing this, will ya? Huh?

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