I feel no older than 37.
BEST EMAIL EVER
2006-09-27, 3:17 p.m.
I know that those of you who have husbands, or wives, or both, or significant others, or all three, get the occasional mushy email from your spouse or spousal equivalent. You may even get erotic emails at times, and then there are the normal housekeeping types of emails.
But I gah-ron-tee you that you have never gotten The Best Email Ever like I did today.
Warning: this is extremely graphic, and I have edited it a bit so that my sister might one day be able to look my husband in the eye again.
Hello my sweet. I had some dream about you and I. If your alarm hadn't gone off I probably would have [censored]. We were both watching each other [censored]. Then I [censored] and you were [censored]and [censored]. Then, I was on top and you were [censored] while I was [censored].....then the alarm went off. What a great dream.
Enough about sex. Could you send me your check register (date, amount, ck#, whom it was written to, & what it was for. I guess you could just bring it home. The last time I balanced your statement was May and I'm trying to get our books up to date.
If you can top that, please do because we all need a little more joy in our lives. This kind of thing makes me feel young again. Why, I feel no older than 37.****
Have you ever heard of “cough-variant asthma”? Go ahead and Google it. It turns out this is the cause of my kid’s 3-month cough. He’s taking a twice-daily mild dosage of Advair now, and surprise, surprise, has quit coughing. I didn’t believe his doctor, and we ended up with a chest x-ray to rule out the two things I feared, because I watch too much “House”: raging fungal or parasitic activity, or multi-tentacled growth. Oh, and Hobbits.
Negative on all three of those, but surprisingly positive on a linear streak that indicates that a tiny bit of lung has collapsed in on itself, an indicator of asthma. Needless to say, I gave in and now we join the billiooooonnnnns and billioooonnnns of folks who have to mark “asthma” on their kid’s medical forms for school, sports and Scouts.
DW was sneezing and blowing his nose continuously yesterday evening, and I suggested that he has snot-variant asthma. And right this very moment, I am suffering from gas-variant asthma. My lucky, lucky co-workers.
Since I’m short on content and even shorter on time, and have digressed to fart-talk, I’m going to cheat and entertain you with pictures of my brother’s new dog, Dingo.
Dingo contemplates whether he DID actually eat your baby.
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”Maybe I did, and maybe I DID.”