The Way Things Are






I didn’t see that one coming
2005-04-29, 1:58 p.m.


Well, I didn’t see that one coming. Is it possible that either Kendra or Craig(or both) is some kind of business savant, i.e. possesses heretofore unspotlighted bidness savvy (much like my unspotlighted grammar savvy), and that Tana has jumped the shark?

It was close, wasn’t it? I was pretty sure she was gone there for a heart-stopping minute or two, and I blame it all on the Bedazzler. It Bedazzled her right out of marketing and right into gluing beads onto t-shirts for 12 bucks. My “WWTD” bracelet has a disclaimer excluding the Bedazzler from any business decisions. If I am ever in a situation in which Tana would consider the use of the Bedazzler a sound business practice, I’m going to pass. You know, the Bedazzler could be blamed for so many things gone wrong. I put it right up there with MTV.

Oh, and in that scene with Kendra and Craig in the taxi, bickering and rolling their eyes and talking over each other and generally just radiating white-hot hatred rays toward each other, did anybody else beside me desperately wish and hope (and somehow a tiny bit expect) that they would suddenly stop, stare briefly and intensely into each others eyes, and then lock lips in a hard, hard kiss and start tearing each other’s clothes off? No? It was just me?

I keep wondering if I would have had enough bidness savvy to come up with the idea to market toward the artist’s fan base, and I think I would have gotten there. Because when they started talking about how to get people into the store to buy the t-shirts, I thought that there must be some kind of vintage t-shirt group, you know, they subscribe to Vintage T-Shirt Aficionado, and folks who are enamored by the evolution of the t-shirt’s relevance in 20th century society would want to snap up the 50th anniversary edition. I think it’s just a short skip to “Hey, maybe this artist has some fans, too,” and there you go. I’m hired.

Is that enough Apprentice obsessing? I’m thinking so.

I just got a piece of spam whose subject line is “Hot stocks for quick surge”, and it made blood surge to my loins, rendering them hot, like stocks. Why must they taunt me so? Leave me alone, spammers, you with your hot stocks and all.

Y’all, with Amy playing the role of spurned administrative assistant, I have taken to sneaking my overnight envelopes out of the office. It’s like breaking up a short-lived yet intense office romance, and dating the new guy down the hall in accounting. Me and DHL – we have to skulk about in the shadows, stealing our moments together.

So, does anybody have any scintillating weekend plans? I plan to work on an outline of a 2-page report on Iwo Jima, and begin constructing a model of the Iwo Jima site. Yes, I am taking 6th grade social studies, why do you ask? I might as well enroll in that school and attend the motherfuckin’ classes. I could get a $3 hot lunch every day, and get out at 3:00. SWEET. I remember in 1st grade, when dinosaurs roamed the primordial swamp of North Dallas, and a plate lunch was 40 cents.

I digress.

I’m researching Iwo Jima, and I can hardly read the website (, reading about the battle, the soldiers there, the flag raisers (one of whom was a local boy from Yorktown, Texas) without tearing up. I mean, dude, these guys were young, Half of the flag raisers died on the island, and only one of the survivors pulled his life together and lived a long, prosperous life.

Auuuggghhhhh! Must…change…subject…

Well, other than laying the groundwork for a 6th project about Iwo Jima, this weekend I intend to: drink one or maybe a dozen glasses of wine; get laid; loaf about; lurk; skulk; lounge; lay about; and have a bit of a lie-in. Wouldn’t it be fun to say that I’m going to work on my costume for the anime convention? Or practice my sword work a bit? Fine-tune my gymnastics routine? Tune up my motorcycle? Compete in an agility competition? (the dog, not me! silly!) I got none of that.

Although I don’t believe I ovulated this month (did I scorch your ears with too much info just then? Just wait), I did get my period a couple of days ago, but without all the angsty-angst and dark moods. I was a bit miffed for a day or two, and I think that’s pretty good. If everybody’s PMS consisted of being a bit miffed, the world would be a better place and it wouldn’t matter so much when the whole office full of women synchronized their crazy cycles.

But I guess what I’m getting at is, the hormones seem to have spirited away my personality during the night, that or the gypsies. Without the highs and lows, you get flatness. I’m so focused on finishing these motherfucking property tax exemption applications (we’re applying twice in each taxing jurisdiction under two different codes just to cover our bases – don’t you wish you were me? See why I want to drink?) that I can hardly think of anything else.

With that, I bid you adieu. Ahhh-DO, I said. Shoo! Go on with your bad self.

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