The Way Things Are






Do you think it means anything
2005-12-29, 4:54 p.m.

Do you think it means anything, I mean, really means anything that my fortune from yesterday’s grocery store Chinese lunch special fortune cookie reads thusly:

“Striving for the best will bring you loser to the best.”

I know it’s hard to read, but this is the best a pitcher-phone will do. I taped this to my desk phone, underneath the fortune that says “You have an unusual magnetic personality.” What I love about that one, is that it’s an unusual magnetic personality, not unusually magnetic. See? The unusual part stands on its own, not as a modifier for magnetic. I probably didn’t have to explain the difference to you, did I? God, I love grammar.

Yeah, my fortune calls me a loser, but I don’t think it really means anything. Right? RIGHT.

In other news, I have done some shopping lately. I went to Old Navy on Tuesday, because I needed some new jeans. I had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction on the 26th, when after 2 days of not doing laundry, I was reduced to a pair of khaki capris and clogs because my two pairs of ratty jeans with the belt loops torn off were both grungy and possibly stinky. Time for new jeans! I shall have 3 pairs of jeans, by gum.

I ended up with two new pairs of JUST BELOW WAIST BOOTCUT (that’s for Jane, so I won’t be dead to her) jeans, one with I guess last year’s wash for $15 (kind of faded looking? Am I still hip to the jive?) and one pair of darker wash for $20. Obviously, darker wash is the way to go, because you pay $5 extra to look that much more like you’re trying desperately to hang onto the shreds of your squandered youth, rather than having already given up.

So now I have 4 pairs of jeans – two ratty, two not – and it’s a good thing, too, because my social life is brimming.

First: tonight is Linda’s birthday. You remember Linda, don’t you? She’s the nice lady I helped Don pick up in a bar a few months ago, and although he’s too afraid of women and commitment to actually date her, she and I have remained friends, because I'm not afraid of either women or commitment, staying in contact and everything. So tonight is her birthday, and she’s getting all her friends together at Gruene Hall ( which is in a lil town a fur piece up the road from us, and if you haven’t been there before, what the hell are you thinking? Go! Go there now! It’s fun!

And then tomorrow, my favorite work-related attorney is having his legendary (I guess it’s legendary – although I haven’t heard any actual legends about it) New Year’s Eve Eve party. It’s an outdoors-at-the-ranch-kind of party, with a pavilion and a fire pit and bring-your-own-chairs and get-ready-to-get-your-shoes-dirty kind of thang going on.

AND THEN…on the actual Eve, my favorite family law attorney is having a party at his house. And I’m so out of breath just from typing this, that I can’t say another word about it, except that my kid is sad that he’s missing this one, because there will be hot middle school chicks in attendance.

So, you see, it’s a good thing I have new jeans.

And to top it all off, I went to Target today, and I found a really cute jean jacket – kind of tailored and hip to the jive looking – and it was $12. $12! And luckily in yet another denim wash color that won’t match any of my new jeans, because what’s worse than an all-matching all-denim outfit? Nothing, that’s what. Except tsunamis. Those are worse.

So all I have to do now is figure out which look I want for which event: which event gets the lesser of the ratty? Which event gets the “trying desperately to hang onto the shreds of my squandered youth” darker wash? Which event gets the “already given up” lighter wash?

And wouldn’t it be awesome if Old Navy would just go ahead and label their stuff like this? Because I know I saw some jeans there that had some strategically placed rat gnaws on them that would very appropriately be called ratty.

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