The Way Things Are



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I’ve been thinking.
2005-04-18, 8:12 a.m.

I’ve been thinking. You know how people ask inane questions, almost rhetorical questions, just to make small talk, get a conversation rolling, etc. Some of these work, and some are conversation STOPPERS.

The one question I have hated more than anything for its almost smug, condescending nuance is “So, how’s married life treating you?” There seems to be no other answer to that than “Fine.”

It’s always asked by a married person, almost always either an older person, or a really dorky person who doesn’t have enough imagination to say something useful, like “I’m so happy DW married you. I’ve never seen him this happy,” or clean or whatever - something useful. Instead, you get this question that smacks of “welcome to the club, you dog”, and how do you answer it?

How do you answer “So how’s married life treating you?” Because you know these people just want to hear about your sex life.

I have come up with a few answers that you, gentle reader, may feel free to use any time. *Ahem*

1. “I don’t know…(lower voice to whisper) he has some really, odd expectations.”
2. “Like a red-haired stepchild.”
3. “Like a 2-bit whore.”
4. “I am so sore!”

And here’s my favorite, the one I intend to use…

5. Awesome! I haven’t gotten laid this much since college!

I can’t wait! I believe and HOPE that if we all work together, we can stamp out the married life question.

DW and I accidentally came up with a new sneeze blessing. It happened when three things happened at once: I sneezed, he blessed me, and “Changes” came on the radio. We participate in the time-honored tradition of calling out the artist within the first few notes of music, you see. Here’s how it went down.

“A-CHOOO!”

“Bless you!”

“David Bowie!”

“What?”

“David Bowie. Changes. From now on, instead of bless you or You Are So Good-Looking [a la Seinfeld], I want you to say “David Bowie”.”

I’m hoping this will catch on, just like the getting laid answer to the married life question. Y’all help me out and spread the word, ‘kay?

Movie Review:

Saw Fever Pitch. Very cute. Many baseball clips of games that DW actually remembers. “Oh, I remember that game!” I didn’t even remember who won the World Series last year, and apparently if you are a Red Sox fan, you want to kick my ass and wash my mouth out with soap now. I repent! Good flick! Something for everyone!

Bowling Report:

We bowled five games Saturday night. Yes. Five. That’s a whole lotta fuckin’ bowling. My left BUTTOCK is sore, as is my right-hand ring finger. Yep, *sniff* got me some bowling injuries. And here’s some exciting news: I didn’t bowl lower than an 80-something in my worst game, hit over 100 in my best game, and scored consistently in the 90’s for the other three. So there’s some good news there.

I want to procure a large wooden hand to fit over my bowling hand so that I can do Woody Harrelson impressions next time.

The good thing about the bowling alley, besides the beer, is that they have “Bowling Radio” on. Who knew? Anyway, Bowling Radio is crafted to appeal to everyone, from the young middle-schoolers trying to impress each other with how badly behaved they can be, to the Old Age Pensioners who are fussing about the noise and trying to keep their averages up. DW says he just goes bowling for the dancing. It's the most important part for him. He will indeed dance to anything.

I just try to keep my beer average up. There’s a bowling category called “Good, for Laura.” Well, that was good. For Laura. I’ll take whatever praise I can get.

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