The Way Things Are



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Do you want a blow by blow
2005-10-24, 1:42 p.m.

Do you want a blow by blow? I can do that.

Friday, 6:00. Pick up the boy, make a drop-off at Goodwill, go and eat some sandwiches.

7:00. Drop the boy off at school for dance.

7:35. Am home. Jump in shower to hose off armpits and greasy face. Dress, but forego makeup in the interest of time.

8:00. Football game. Woo! We soundly beat the crap out of the competition, which is good, because this is homecoming.

9:15. Back in the car. Drive drive drive drive drive.

10:00. Pick the boy back up. Heís tired, heís surly, heís not amused by my parking lot dance moves to entertain the other parents. Pre-Teenagers SUCK!

10:40. Weíre home. Heís grumping his way to bed, unwashed, etc. I donít care. Go to bed, stinky Surly Pre-Teen Boy!

Saturday. 7:00. Iím up! Iím drinking coffee and straightening up and sweeping.

9:15. I leave the house. I drive to work-related event. Is very nice. Many nice people.

9:30. Developer asks me to make a speech. Oooookay. I can do that. I knew SOMETHING was going to be asked of me. Luckily, I am not one of those who fears public speaking more than death. Iíd much rather make a speech than bite the big one.

10:00. Sitting. Waiting. Shaking hands. Talking.

11:00. Speeches begin.

11:45. I get to make my speech. Am self-deprecating and humble. Winsome, even. They LOVE me.

Noon. I get back on the road.

1:00. Am back home after stop at grocery store. Making dip, melting Velveeta, etc. More cleaning up and whatnot.

1:00 p.m.Ė 1:00 a.m.. People trickle in and out. My 12-year-old boy plays Twister with 3 teenage girls. And climbs trees and tosses the football around and kicks field goals with them. They are the two daughters and niece of our transgendered friend. Itís a Big Day for Lil Guy.

It was a take-it-one-event-at-a-time kind of weekend. Friday night was not that bad. Iím used to driving back and forth in order to facilitate my childís social life at the expense of my own. Saturday, I dreaded the work event, but it ended up being really nice, and since Iím a bit of a ham, once you get past my antisocial tendencies, I enjoyed my 5 minutes in the spotlight, pretending to be humble.

After my speech, one of my work-friends commented on how well I did, no warning, etc, and I explained to her that I always make the same speech every time I need one, plus I was a little drunk. See what I do? I make wildly inappropriate comments to people who Ė I hope Ė know better yet are still amused.

I LOVE to tell people Iím a little drunk.

Once I got home on Saturday, the party thing happened so slowly and gradually, that it was relaxing and low-key and fun. It wasnít a herd of people all at once. It was a steady trickle. If it had been a roof leak, I would have been alarmed, but not panicked. At our apex, we might have had 20 people there. From 1:00 to 3:00 in the afternoon, it was us plus Don. From 11:00 p.m. on, it was DW and two of his friends. In between, it waxed and waned and waxed again. So it wasnít a house load of demanding, messy people for 12 hours straight. In fact, at 10:45, when the last of the wives went home, wailing ďNo more pooooorn!Ē (the guys were perusing the porn channels on the dadblasted stupid satellite thing), I cleaned up the kitchen and went to bed. The two or three guys that were left all started making noises like they needed to go home, and I protested heartily, told them thatís why we built such a big house, they were ordered to stay, and that I would go back into my lair and they wouldnít disturb me one bit.

Well, I told them it would disturb me if they all sat there watching porn together, because it really makes women wonder WHAT THE FUCK. I told I like porn, I approve of porn, but what is up with guys watching porn all together? I donít get it.

Anyway, thatís how it happened. It was nice.

Sunday? Nobody left the house, except when I drove down to the road to pick up the newspaper at the end of driveway. Yes, Iím lazy. We hung out, ate leftover party food, DW and LG worked in the yard, we watched movies, did homework, cleaned up a bit more, played with the dog, DW napped, I built a cabinet for the bathroom, LG basked in the glow of having been the token boy in a group of teenaged girls, and we just enjoyed ourselves. It was nice, too.

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