The Way Things Are



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Swallowing does eventually pay off
2006-01-13, 9:50 a.m.

Him: (turning his back on me in bed and saying good night)
Me: You donít want to do it?
Him: I thought you were too tired! Of course I always want to do it, but you need to get some sleep.
Me: We have to do it. Shit, 50% of our relationship is based on sex.
Him: Whatís the other 50%.
Me: Chores?
Him: Sex and chores? Weíve got more than that.
Me: No, I think thatís it. Itís okay; sex and chores is pretty good. Itís more than most people have, and weíll never run out of chores.

I am very proud of something that I am doing. Iím calling it my non-New Yearís, non-resolution, and it is to be a LOT better at acknowledging other folksí birthdays. So far, hereís how it shakes out:

1. Rallied for Lil Guyís January 9th birthday, and actually pulled together a sleepover and a Boysí Day Out.
2. Sent brother a birthday present (O Brother Where Art Thou dvd) just one week late. His birthday is January 3rd, and I generally procrastinate until Iím a month or more late, and then I just blow it off.
3. Have procured other brotherís birthday card, and know what I am going to get him (Taco Cabana gift card). His birthday is February 3rd. Iím ahead!
4. Got a card and a gift for a management accounting stafferís birthday today.
5. Checked employee records, marked each stafferís birthday, noticed that I missed somebody on December 22nd, got her a $20 Target gift card, and will send that out with payroll today, with my apologies. I did call her Christmas Baby in her card, my point being that people with late December birthdays should be used to being overlooked, so itís really not my fault.

Hereís something strange: my husband gave me $250 CASH MONEY last night, for being, in his words, ďa good girl.Ē ďA good girl?Ē I asked him. Yes. I was a good girl during the homebuilding process, and saved money, and didnít buy new clothes, or otherwise squander our funds on my flitting and fleeting wants, as is my wont. And this was before I wheedled him into having chore-sex with me. Oops, I wheedled again.

We have been transferring money around lately, since selling the old house, and getting all our fortune settled and snug and cozy, where it can hopefully start reproducing and churning out more and more money, so that we may retire before we die in a manner that befits us. Apparently, in some of his transferrings, he ended up with a handful of cash and decided I deserved $250 of no-questions-asked money, to spend however I want with no analysis or dirty looks or questions like ďWhy do women need so many shoes?Ē just for being a good girl. However, I am holding onto it for a while, until Iím sure the December credit card bill has come in without incident, just so he doesnít regret the ďgood girlĒ assessment and ask for his money back.

Heís not usually quite so paternalistic, but Iíll take it.

OK, OK, I know itís OUR money. We have a budget, we are both fully accountable except for what we do with our $50 weekly allowance, blah blah blah buttcheeks. In the division of CHORES in our house, though, heís the money man. Thatís what he does for a living, if you call working for your parents, doing the books for them and several other small local businesses, and playing as much golf as possible ďa livingĒ, but you get my drift.

Am I drifting? No. Yes. Iím back-pedaling and rationalizing and explaining myself into a wet paper bag that I wonít be able to logic myself out of.

Anyway, I got a $250 cash bonus from my husband for being a good girl. See? Swallowing does eventually pay off.

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