The Way Things Are



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Ain’t nobody but Jesus Christ perfect.
2006-04-07, 2:24 p.m.

As promised, here I am attempting a very complicated, and as you can see, HIGHLY DIFFICULT (see? 5 stars!) numerical function with my financial calculator. I knew there was some way that I would be able to apply my Financial Tools learning to real life.

Future value or present value? Oh, wait.

Step 1 toward our Independence from Electricity is well under way. Our plumber came out yesterday to repair yet-another-leak, and told us what we need to do to get the water storage tank ready to get hooked up into the water system.

Even more entertaining than that, is actually listening to our plumber talk. He speaks with the voice of extremely loud white trash, so get that voice into your head, and he’s also a really evangelical Christian, so once you have the voice, get the words. Like this:

“Ain’t nobody perfect, that’s what I told her. Ain’t nobody but Jesus Christ perfect. And he’s always provided for us, and he’ll take care of us now.”

Then on top of that, he’s the fun kind of Christian who smokes and cusses a lot, and we regularly run into him at the bar. Anyway, he’s funny and nice, and very loud and scary looking, with meth-lab facial hair and crazy eyes.

He told us this story about his 17-year-old son, who lives with his ex-wife, because the ex-wife has no rules, and as Plumber puts it “I have rules, and he don’ like ‘em.” His son is getting into more and more trouble, and Plumber is working really hard on pulling his son back from The Schwartz Dark Side.

In this story, they got into a verbal argument that ended up with the son threatening to kick his dad’s ass (son is 6’2” and 185, while dad is even bigger), and Plumber going up to his son and just pushing him hard against the chest and knocking him on his ass, hollering “You wanna piece of this? You wanna piece of this?”

The son cried child abuse, and tried to file charges, and the DA dismissed it and happens to be a friend of the Plumber, and told him “Hell, he’d never win. They’d tell him to defend himself! Child abuse is for little kids, not a kid who’s 17 years old, and that big, and picks a fight with his dad.”

So Plumber tells us he told his son, “I am not going to touch you again. But when you turn 18, I’m kickin’ yer ass. Because then, it’s just assault. THAT’S what I’m gettin’ you fer yer 18th birthday. I hope ya like your present.”

He did go on to explain that he will do whatever he has to do to try to keep his son from becoming an addict, ending up in prison, or dying young. He said he doesn’t care if the kid hates his dad for the rest of his life. That’s the price he’ll pay to try to keep his son’s head on straight. Apparently, in Plumber’s world, an ass-kicking on your 18th birthday is part of that plan.

Anyway, it was just funny and sad (funny + sad = poignant) listening to him tell the story, in his voice with his own words. He’s frustrated and upset and worried, and in his world, a little fighting might make things better. Maybe one day his son will look back and think “I remember that ass-kicking my dad gave me for my 18th birthday. That made all the difference.”

NOTE: THE WRITERS, ACTORS, SPONSORS AND PRODUCERS OF “THE LAURA FLEA SHOW” DO NOT ADVOCATE CHILD ABUSE IN ANY FORM. THEY DO, HOWEVER, ACKNOWLEDGE THE RIGHT OF TWO ADULTS TO ENTER INTO CONSENSUAL FISTICUFFS AND FILE ASSAULT CHARGES AGAINST EACH OTHER.

And Jesus Christ did end up providing for Plumber yesterday, because he charged us $50 to come out and repair a leak on work that he did for us to begin with, and we are not going to fight it, lest we risk receiving birthday presents from him ourselves.

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