The Way Things Are






DW continues on his quest
2005-06-28, 10:10 a.m.

DW continues on his quest to get better insurance coverage for our family than I was able to obtain. What he doesnít realize is that all health insurance companies are agencies of Satan, and the people who sell and administer said insurance are Satanís minions.

To make a long, detailed, and frankly confusing story much shorter and hopefully funnier, DW said that the insurance quote we got had a choice: either for a family of 3 non-tobacco users, or for a family of 3 tobacco users. The salespersonís software cannot compute a family of mixed users and non-users. So DW has decided once and for all to quit chewing the shit.

I said that if it made it any easier on the family, we could get Lil Guy started on some kind of tobacco product. Twelve is never too young to get your substance-abuse vices lined up, is it?

And with the minor anxiety and periodic moments of panic that I am experiencing, I have decided that the best anti-anxiety med is indeed nicotine.

Nicotine makes you feel good. Itís an upper Ė it will make your hands shake a little and wake you up, but it also soothes the brain. It doesnít fuck with your sex drive like Lexapro or its cousins do, and it is much cheaper.

Also, nicotine makes alcohol taste better, and it makes you a better dancer.

Plus, if our insurance folks want a family of 3 tobacco users, I just want to do my part. I intend to start smoking, after a 17 year smoking hiatus, immediately. Iím gonna pull my weight and make this insurance quest a little easier on my sweet, poor, long-suffering DishWasher.

In other news, check out the kick-ass shoes I am wearing today:

You wish you were me, I just know it. Now I gotta go smoke a cig out on the balcony like all the cool kids. Peace out.

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