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Honking the horn and hooting out the window.
2006-07-12, 4:48 p.m.

If I were a better friend to you, I would have taken a photo whilst careening wildly, honking the horn and hooting out the window, past an accident on the interstate this morning. It wasn’t that the accident was particularly gory or otherwise interesting – no blood, no bones sticking out, no severed heads; it’s that the accident scene included a lady standing on the side of the road clad in only a purple t-shirt.

No shoes. No apparent pants. Just her in her bare feet and legs (and maybe ass), standing on the side of I-35 in a purple t-shirt.

I would like to have a photo for you to serve as a lesson: no matter where you are driving, no matter how quick a trip you THINK you are taking, ALWAYS WEAR SOME PANTS, AND BRING SOME SHOES ALONG WITH YOU. Also, touch up your roots. You just never know.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

****

Butt update (buttdate!): Healing with the aid of full-coverage panties, which keep riding up the backs of my buttcheeks. How do you people stand it? A thong stays in place. You put it there in the morning, and as long as you don’t disturb it, it will be there when night falls. No creeping. No moving about untended. A thong love you long (time)!

****

I have VOWED to myself today – yes I avowed (is that a transitive or intransitive verb?) – that I will buy myself a Dorky Bike Helmet today. I am going to march right into Academy and buy myself a bike helmet, after first trying on all of them, and asking innocent bystanders whether the helmet makes my head look fat. What do y’all think of those ones with the little fin in back? Do you think that will make me go faster? Or make my head look thinner? I hear that head fins are really slimming, and are really in this summer.

You may wonder how my butthurt and a bikeseat work together, and it is like this: my bike seat has a channel down the middle that allows for maximum tailbone comfort. I had originally thought that it was there to channel buttsweat away from the body, but learned this morning that it is really good for allowing my tailbone to hang there freely with no pressure.

I knew you wanted to (1) know that and (2) picture that in your head. Again, YOU’RE WELCOME.

And y’all, please heap sympathy upon my seestor, EB, who revealed in yesterday’s comments that her tailskin BLED after those militant Runtex lunatics forced to do full-on sit-ups. YIPES.

So anyway, I am finally buying a helmet because I am tired of toodling around in my neighborhood in the mornings, and want to venture out onto the, well, it’s not a highway, but it’s two lanes and has an actual shoulder, but anyway, I want to venture out, and it’s not that I think a helmet is going to protect me from rednecks in pickup trucks. But I do feel I would be judged for riding around out there without a helmet.

It’s like smoking. The safety cabal sucks all the fun out of everything. First, they take away my very best anti-anxiety medication (nicotine and smoke), then they take away the fun that is driving with a buzz, and now they take away my riding around without a helmet. They – the infamous THEY – take everything fun and make it socially unacceptable. Puh!

****

I had a question in the comments a few days ago about scorpions, specifically whether we hear about people dying from scorpion stings. The answer is no. Texas scorpions are not normally lethal – just creepy, annoying, and painful. I guess you can die from them if you are particularly fragile, but I’ve never heard of it. Die of fright? That’s a whole nuther story, as we like to say down here in these parts.

Oooh! Look! Here’s the second-most pisonous (misspelling intentional) scorpion in the world. I still can’t find The World’s First Most Pisonous Scorpion, but I did find a fascinating website wherein folks send pictures of creepy bugs they have found, accompanied by really funny emails. I couldn’t stop reading it, and it didn’t really give me the creeps all that bad, because hey, I’ve seen scads of real-live scorpions scampering about on the rock pile. That will really toughen you up, as far as your bug sensitivity goes.

Enjoy! My strategery is that if I post enough scorpion links, you people will be begging me for balanced chemical equations for bodily processes. Ah, the good old days, when I believed that your body pooped itself away when you lose weight.

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